This applies across the board in the sports world.  Since the “I’ll play without shoulder pads” thing isn’t universal, I’ll give athletes from a number of sports some help tagging a consequence onto these guarantees.  It’s easy.  You just start your sentence with “I guarantee we will win…” and finish that sentence with one of these follow-throughs…

Hockey – “Or I’ll sit bare-assed on the ice right after the Zambone makes a pass.

Boxing – “Or I’ll fight my next fight allowing my opponent to have broken glass on his gloves ala Jean Claude versus Tong Po.”

Baseball – “Or I’ll sign with the Pirates and no one will ever hear of me again.” 

Soccer – “Or else I’ll… uhh, do something no one will really notice anyway.  Unless I’m David Beckham… then I’ll just publically admit to thinning hair being the reason I shaved my hair off.”

NBA –  “Or I’ll spend a night in a Colorado hotel room with Kobe.”              “Or I’ll stop calling myself Hibachi”

With the first month in the books, it’s time to take a look at how well all the preseason predictions of sportswriters are panning out.  Most of them said Orlando would be awesome this year, right?

So, in no rational order, let’s look at each team’s season so far…

Orlando Magic – Dwight Howard is a monster.  Like Shaq in his first three years kind of unstoppable, only with way less limp-wristed bitch slapping of Alvin Robertson.  Just this week he put up TWO 20+ rebound games.  And Turkeyglue is silently killing people from the outside.  That team is tough.
 
The Cleveland Cavaliers – LeBron’s back is killing him from lifting 11 bums up on his shoulders every night.  But yet it’s a sprained finger that sidelines him.  A sprained finger?  Come on… tape it up and get in the game. 

And Drew Gooden has found a new way to say “Look how stupid I can make my head look!” 

It’s no Fluffy tail like last year, but it’s pretty stupid.

Boston Celtics – The Celtics think it’s June.  They’re good.  Really good.  But is it really necessary to keep The Big Three on the floor for 30+ minutes when stomping teams like New York?  None of these guys are 23.  Pace yourself, guys.  And can we get a marketing guy on this underachieving nickname, please?
 
San Antonio Spurs – The Spurs are the NBA ninjas.  No one sees them coming, everyone is afraid to talk about them, and they will creep in and take everything again. 
 
Chicago Bulls – I may be in denial here, but can we really say this team is awful yet?  ESPN had them ranked at dead last in the power ratings last week.  Do their TV’s not pick up Timberwolves games?  Do they really think the Knicks will finish better than the Bulls?  The Bulls are not doing so well, but it’s one month into the season. 
 
Dallas Mavericks – The Mavs like to run a lot.  They can beat anyone. And lose to anyone. 
 
Phoenix Suns -  The Suns are great at doing impressions of the Mavs. 
 
Los Angles Lakers – Kobe’s good at piling up stats during the regular season.  Probably won’t put up stunning numbers in the playoffs.  And I can see why Kobe chose to, instead of taking the kid under his wing and making his team and teammate stronger, rip this young Bynum guy online.  I mean, averaging a double double?  That’s awful.  He’s obviously a bust.  Yet another way the Kobe/Jordan comparison is ridiculous… Jordan helped a raw talented Pippen get things under control and become a hall of fame caliber player on the way to winning six rings.  Kobe just helped Shaq win one more ring by forcing him to Miami. 
 
Portland Trailblazers – The trailblazers got rid of their top scorer and rebounder, lost their highly coveted #1 draft pick for the season, and still are a much better team than last year.
 
Seattle Supersonics – Coaching Kevin Durant thus far this season seems to be consisting of telling him “Go out there and do some basketball related stuff.”  I feel sorry for him.  He looks lost and no one is willing to help him find direction.

Milwaukee Bucks – Sportswriters see a different Yi than I have seen.  They see a good one with a load of potential.  I see a slightly less anemic Toni Kukoc with slightly less personality.  I keep hearing announcers say “If he’d learn to attack the basket, he’s be a real force.”  Or if he could shoot 100% from half-court, he’d be even better!  I don’t think either one is happening anytime soon.

Sacramento Kings – I think they still have a team in Sacramento.  Their season is going about so quietly, no one even notices a rising superstar in Kevin Martin.  Also, no one seemed to notice a difference when they were missing Ron Artest.  Los Angles Clippers – What a shock when they started out 4-0 in the first week of the season.  Not so shocking, a month later they’ve only picked up 2 more wins.  It’s gotta suck when your biggest star has played as many minutes for your team as they have for any of the other teams in the league this season.

The New York Knicks – I love this Knicks season.  It’s like the NBA’s version of Flavor of Love.  Chock full of self-destructive ignorance and you just can’t understand why anyone picked that guy to have his own gig.

Washington Wizards – Best trash-talking related story of the century.  Gilbert “Hibachi” Arenas (okay, maybe The Big Three isn’t such a lame nickname) goes on record that the Wizards will stomp the hell out of the much-hyped Celtics several days before tipoff.  Gameday quote, “Never mind, I was just kidding.”  The final score reflected that joke.  What’s really funny is this is the same exact quote sports writers that picked them to be at the top of their division are using now. 

Denver Nuggets – One month in and they’re already talking about where Iverson will be headed next.  The league should just get it over with and make a team cancer all-star team.  This is a solid squad putting up some big wins and Iverson is unhappy.  They should just hire actors to  follow him around  and have fake conversation about him being the absolute biggest star on the team and no one else is even worth talking about.  Maybe a regular feeding of the hungriest ego outside of L.A. would do some good. 

Indiana Pacers – What a boring team.  I live in Indiana and have yet to hear one person talk about them. 

Miami Heat – The early struggles were responded to by saying “Oh, just wait until Wade gets back.”   Not sure what the response is about still sucking after he got back.

New Jersey Nets – The Bad news:  They’re sporting a losing record and not just losing, but losing by double digits.  Good News:  Very few legal matters thus far in the season. 

 Toronto Raptors – Today, they have a winning record.  By the time you read this, it might no longer be true.  Hard to be optimistic about a good start, record –wise when your three big names are all taking turns wearing their league-demanded suits on the bench.  And you live in Canada.  Is there an official Raptors hairdresser?  There has to be a reason so many of their players are sporting the Gelled-Up Spiked Hairdo, official hairdo of douche bags worldwide.

Detroit Pistons – I want to be the PR man for the Pistons.  I’d pitch the campaign, “Keep talking about Orlando and Boston.  See you in June.” 

Utah Jazz – Is there a Cavs fan alive that doesn’t go into seizures every time they show Boozer’s highlights or box scores?  This team is exciting to watch, but watching a local broadcast of a Jazz game is a bizarre experience.  You go from the high-paced excitement of the game to video Sominex every timeout.  The Salt Lake City advertising is the least flashy, most sleep-inducing set of commercials ever produced.  About the flashiest thing I saw was a phone number imposed over the video of a guy talking about insulation.  And all the spokes people spoke like they were producing a meditation audio tape.  Maybe it’s Mormon subliminal brainwashing.  I did have the urge to marry several drably dressed women.

New Orleans Hornets – I hope they put these guys on national TV a little more.  One, they are exciting to watch and are playing like a real playoff contender… two, maybe a little more exposure could help me get over my Alzheimer’s.  It still doesn’t click that when they are talking about the Charlotte game, they aren’t talking about the Hornets.  Speaking of which…

Charlotte Bobcats – Man, are they a forgettable team.  And I don’t think it’s just my dementia.  I know they said they wanted to bring in a guy that was already an offensive force because they didn’t want to wait to win, but Richardson’s 16-5-2 averages aren’t really powerhouse numbers.  I use the generic “they” because I still just can’t bring myself to question Jordan directly.  

Houston Rockets – Started the season off at the top of the list of a lot of people’s “Likely to win it all” lists.  I think that lasted about a week.   They are about as consistent as Bonzi Wells’ scoring… who’s he play for?  Oh, yeah… Anyway, good luck winning a playoff series. 

 Memphis Grizzlies – T-Minus 3 weeks until the Pau Gasol “I don’t want to play here” whining begins.

Golden State Warriors – All it took was one playoff series win to make people start taking them seriously.  You know, one measly little NBA record-making playoff series win.  They struggled without Jackson, but with him and his ankle-bracelet back in the locker room, they’re on fire.     

Atlanta Hawks – Well ,this isn’t exactly going to be a turnaround year for the Hawks, but there are a couple of bright spots.  Horford looks like he will be a superstar.  And their uniforms are a little less ugly.

Philadelphia 76ers – I’ve looked it up three times and I still can’t remember their starting line-up.  They are every bit as good as the Knicks so far.  Keep reaching for those stars. 

Minnesota Timberwolves – Biggest loss on their roster… Kevin Garnett.  Second biggest loss… Ricky Davis.  Biggest addition… Antoine Walker.  Second biggest addition… shit, I don’t know.  Has anyone checked Kevin McHale’s house for a radon leaks?  I mean, everyone keeps saying he’s bad at his job, but it seems more like he’s slowly becoming retarded than just making some poor management decisions. 

Barry’s Headline from December 12th, 2007

Bonds Turns Himself in after Federal Indictments

Barry Bonds is likely to plead guilty to the charges behind his federal indictments, filed November 15, 2007, as he has turned himself in the authorities. Barry faces charges of four counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice, and countless charges of obstruction of the view of others with his oversized melon. The charges stem from Bonds’ December 2003 grand jury testimony in which he insisted his every expanding cranium was natural growth and his transformation from a stick figure in a Pirates uniform to John Coffey’s twin in a Giants uni was due to simply a change in diet and workout routines.

Despite turning himself in on the charges and his likely guilty plea, Bonds swears he is and always has been chemical free. He said he’d even swear on a Bible if it’d help everyone to believe him.

Barry’s Headline from September 22nd, 2008

Eight Months into 30 Year Prison Sentence, Bonds Remains Optimistic about Appeal Process

Eight Months and 150 lost pounds later, Barry Bonds walks the prison yard with confidence that it may be on of his last strolls around that prison yard. “We’ll win,” Barry boldly claims, referring to his upcoming appeal. “They still have no evidence I was ever on any performance enhancing chemicals.”

Regardless of the claims of Bonds, in just the eight short months, Barry’s signature muscle mass has noticeable decreased. “I just haven’t had time to hit the weights,” Bonds insists. “(I have) Been focusing on preparing for my appeal.”

Bonds also insists that the three operations in which his pecks were drained of fluids since his incarceration were necessary because of a genetic condition. “Bitch tits run in the Bonds family,” he explains. “You should have seen Grandpa’s jugs.”

- The Buffalo Bills announce they are sticking with Losman as starting QB against the Patriots.   Las Vegas bookies immediately make zero adjustments to the point spread.

 - Stephon Marbury leaves his team and is apparently unhappy.  Smart money says he’s either unhappy about the amount of touches new teammate Zack Randolph is getting or he’s unhappy that Isiah is getting all the negative press.  Oh, plus, it’s November.  I think he has “be disgruntled” penciled in on his calender.

- The Denver Broncos believe Travis Henry’s denial of drug use… after he passes a drug screen and a lie detector test.  Now that’s trust.   

- Adam Vinatieri missed a potential game winning field goal.  The Colts could have already been up by… wait a second… six offensive chances wasted multiplied by seven points, lost by two…. Yeah, 40 points.   

- The Bears haven’t decided if Rex Grossman or Brian Griese gets the start this week.  So, we don’t know which guy will be throwing interceptions and running really poorly thought-out offensive game plans.

- Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen Twins.  Now were this a couple of years ago, it would have been news, the R. Kelly kind if news.  But now that she’s of age, it’s not news.  It”s just very, very creepy. 

- Don Shula Says The Patriots Going Undefeated this Season Would Be a Marred Accomplishment.Very classy move.  I think his original quote was “No Fair! Mom, tell the Patriots to quit trying to be like us!”

- Cavs Forward Drew Gooden to Reveal New Tattoo.  With any luck, it will be as goofy as his hair during last year’s playoffs.  And announcing that someone in the NBA has a tattoo?  Isn’t that about as shocking and revealing as a headline about him planning to wear basketball shoes?

- Jimmie Johnson Not Sorry that Jeff Gordon Fell Short of Catching Him in Point Lead.  Really, you mean he wanted to finish first?  Weird.

In defense of the accusations… accusations based on positive scientific testing procedures, Martina Hingis clearly explains this whole mess.  “They say that cocaine increases self-confidence and creates a type of euphoria. I don’t know,” Hingis said. “I only know that if I were to try to hit the ball while in any state of euphoria, it simply wouldn’t work. I would think that it would be impossible for anyone to maintain the coordination required to play top class tennis while under the influence of drugs.”  I know what you’re thinking… There’s no arguing with such a valid point.   And I don’t think this performance decreasing factor of cocaine is limited solely to just tennis.  I mean, obviously, there is no way someone on coke could display the kind of grace of a Michael Irvin needed in a wide receiver to run routes and snag passes on the fly or have the hand/eye coordination it would take to be the type of batter Darryl Strawberry was.    And there’s simply no way to sum up the dangers of feeling euphoric, nor can one over-exaggerate its detrimental effects on mental focus.  According to some stats somewhere, 76% of all automobile accidents are caused by euphoria.  AAA suggests that if you’ve had a particularly enjoyable date, an all-around good day, or a financial windfall, try to remember what it felt like the first time you watched Old Yeller before getting behind the wheel.  Even Road Rage is safer than Cloud 9 Driving, as it has come to be known.  You may have a sense of well-being, but how well will you truly be when you drive under an 18 wheeler just because you have no worries.  Those things weigh a lot.  You should worry while on the road, not just haphazardly feel that all in being well. So, with this obvious evidence that there is no way Hingis could have been using cocaine, how can Hingis’s positive drug test be explained?  A simple mix-up may be to blame here, but I strongly suspect that the lab technician was experiencing some feelings of euphoria for some undisclosed reason and was unable to accurately perform his or her job.   Further dispelling these ridiculous accusations and ludicrous scientific evidence, Hingis, almost poetically, summed up her clearly drug-free playing style, stating, “My weapon on the tennis court is and always was one single thing: the game, the ingenuity on court,” Hingis said. “And for this style of tennis, there is only one performance enhancer — the love of the game.”  Oddly, enough, Hingis’s urine tested negative for love of the game.

The NBA is big on team slogans right now, like the League’s  marketing campaign of “Where Amazing Happens” or the Rocket’s tag line “It’s Time” or the Knicks tagline “At Least We’re Not as Mismanaged as  Minnesota”, so here are a few headlines these teams might want to consider…

The Bulls:

“No More Team Rebuilding, We’ve got a Team Demolition Specialist Now”

“The Bulls:  Now with Way More Unnecessary Drama”

“The Bulls: Now with Way More Rape”

“Kobe; Here to Fill the Gap Left by the Absence of Ditka’s Ego”

“Great, Two Chicago Sports Team with the Curse of the G.O.A.T.”

The Nuggets: (Editor’s note… some of these would work without the trade happening)

“No One in Colorado Ever Stops Bryant from Taking It to the Hole.” 

“Shattering Records, Breaking Laws.”

“Smoke A Little Weed, Do a Little Rape, Get Down Tonight”

“We’ll Never Let Kobe Ride Home with J.R.”

“The Nuggets – 14 Felonies and 0 Championships… Both Those Numbers Are About to Go Waaaaaaaaaaaay Up.”

 The Wizards:

“Because In D.C., Everyone’s Willing to Forget Where Your Wang Has Been” 

“And You Thought Arenas Had An Inflated Ego?” 

“Washington, Where the Greats Come to Play When They Are Done Winning”

Rumors swirled that gang members across the facility were violating the no stabbing policy that exists at the NBACF.  So, a quick-acting Warden David Stern leapt into action a mere three months later to investigate, finding that nearly 75% of his inmates were in fact violating this don’t stab policy. 

Responding to his findings, Stern decided that the policy was obviously unfair, as so many offenders were unable to abide by the policy, so adjustments have been made that are far more realistic in terms of expectations.  Offenders are still not allowed to just stab away at will, but they can do a little shanking, as long as the shanking doesn’t involve anyone under their own authority.  This means that a lower ranking gang member cannot be stabbed by anyone from his own gang, but gang members can engage in stabbing dealing with those inmates they have no connection to.

“We feel confident that this adjustment in the policy will correct the problem,” Warden Stern explained.  “We don’t want anyone’s recreational stabbings being confused for the real problem here, which is abuse of authority.”

In a similar decision, Stern has adjusted the policy on Correctional Officers abusing inmates.  Officers are now allowed to beat offenders about the head and face for reaction, as long as it’s not one of the inmates off said officer’s assigned cellblock. 

-

I mean, yeah, I heard her get called a bitch all the time around the office, but, according to many credible sources in the hip hop industry, her being female and all, she’s either a bitch or a ho, right.  And if Imus taught us anything, you don’t call no female basketball players hoes.  So what’s that leave Isiah with?  That’s right, bitch… it’s bitch.  The man only had one option. 

And obviously, he thought she was an attractive bitch.  He was trying to get with her, so that’s a compliment. It ain’t like he was calling her an ugly bitch.  Now that would be bad.  Hell, she should feel privileged. He’s a star.  She should be willing to meet up with him for a nice romantic evening, something like meeting in front of a strip club and then getting it on in his Escalade. 

And that bitch was creating a hostile work environment, anyway.  Always focused on negative responses, always being like “No, leave me alone.” Or “Stop talking to me like that.”  Why you gotta be argumentative?  

And my man.  O.J.  Man, they’re at you again.  All I have to say is, why everybody always on O.J.’s back? I mean, all the guy was doing was… uhh, busting up into a hotel room…no, that don’t sound good…

Okay, Okay, I got it… all O.J. was doing was showing he ain’t the one to be toyed with… no that don’t sound good either…

Uhh… O.J. was just… just…

You know what?  Not even I can come up with something to make this one make any sense. 

Sorry, Juice. 

 - Stephon M.

Remember when I stood by O.J.? 

No?  You probably weren’t paying attention because I was still in high school and I didn’t have the nation’s attention like I should.  Since I do now, I’ll repeat myself.  I am worth listening to.  It don’t matter that it’s been like 13 or 14 years.

What I had said was, I think we don’t say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals.  You know, from what I understand, stabbing bitches is a sport. It’s just behind closed doors.  Or at least on sidewalks behind a fence. 

I think it’s tough that we build up O.J. and then we break him down.

Much more recently, you may have heard what I had to say in defense of Ron Artest. 

No?  I can’t stress enough the importance of my voice.  You really should be paying attention.  There’s a reason why I was given my own talk show. 

What I had said was, I think we don’t say anything about people who throw paper cups or heckle people, we only want to focus on the guy that beats someone to a bloody pulp.  You know, from what I understand, boxing is a sport. It’s just that both people are willing participants and both knew it was coming. 

I think it’s tough that we build up Artest and then we break him down.

And most recently, my man Tim Donaghy got himself into some trouble, but it seems a little unfair to me, the way people be reacting.  So I am going to take this chance right now for my important opinion to be heard on this.

I think we don’t say anything about people who place bets at legal betting sport books in Vegas.  You know, from what I understand, gambling is a sport.  I mean, they call the regulating commission the “gaming” commission, after all.  That makes it a sport.  Tim just did it behind closed doors.  And with a lot of say so over what could and couldn’t happen.  That’s just a smarter way to go about it is all. 

I think it’s tough that we build up Tim Donaghy and then we break him down.  

That’s all I’m sayin’. 

Sincerely,

Stephon Marbury

-

Michael Vick only owns one suit. 

   Every legal meeting or procedure thus far, Vick has sported this one suit.  This suggest two possibilities; One, this suit cost several millions of dollars.  Two, the criminal mind only sees the need for one suit.  The court suit. 

On top of his lack of suits, Michael Vick’s life is further complicated by an nagging injury.  He is still suffering from blurry hand, so even if he’s not forever banned from the NFL, a comeback is questionable.  Doctors say Vick’s hand is still fuzzy, at best.