This is TOTALLY how the NBA draft will play out

Sorry to spoil the draft night surprises, but here is how the draft will break down.  I can’t see it playing out any other way.  Still, TiVo it for all the great highlights and super stylish pimp suits you’ll get to see.   I say there will be at least two bright red pinstriped suits in this year’s draft.  I just hope the big doofy Chinese guy is wearing one.  Here’s how the rest of the night will go…

Pick Team Player Ht./Wt. Pos. School Class
1. Trail Blazers Kevin Durant 6-9, 220 F Texas Fr.
Two reasons why Portland is going to screw this up.  One, taking Durant over Oden will give faithful Blazer fans something else to bitch about other than that Sam Bowie pick when Oden develops into a powerhouse.  Two, Durant seems like he has real asshole potential and will be able to bond well with the team.
2. Sonics Greg Oden 7-0, 250 C Ohio State Fr.
While off the court, he may seem like a taller version of Will’s cousin, Carlton, he is the real deal on the court.  Wouldn’t it be funny if that whole dominate-hand-in-cast thing turns out to be a big lie and he really is left-handed and just wanted people to think, Wow, he’s good, but he must be AWESOME when he’s using his good hand.  I’m just saying that because then I wouldn’t be the only person I ever knew that did that. 
3. Hawks Al Horford 6-8½, 245 PF Florida Jr.
There is not room here to list the needs of the Atlanta Hawks and there is no one left after the first two picks that will help the country remember there still is an Atlanta NBA team, but Horford could fill the one need of a physical post presence. The question is will he be as effective when facing opponents he cannot as easily muscle as he did in college, which isn’t really a question, as it doesn’t end with a question mark.  It’s more of an implied question, really. 
4. Grizzlies Brandan Wright 6-9, 225 PF North Carolina Fr.
Headed to Memphis, let’s hope that Wright is prepared to put up fantastic numbers on an unnoticed team, sign with a real contender as soon as soon as he is a free agent, then never live up to those numbers again and forcing announcers to talk about how much more of an impact he would have on a team if he still was playing like he did in Memphis.  This isn’t a knock on Wright’s abilities, it’s just what happens to Memphis players (See Jason Williams, Shane Battier, Bonzi Wells, and Shareef Abdur-Rahim). 
5. Celtics Jeff Green 6-8, 225 F Georgetown Jr.
The intentional tanking of games did land the Celtics a huge chance at the 1st or 2nd pick, but Ainge’s strategy resulted in him being faced with making the 5th overall pick this year, after which he will probably be lynched in public.  Wouldn’t it be great to be in Green’s shoes?  Thousands of angry Bostonians that just knew they’d be lining up to watch Oden or Durant save their butt-nasty awful team who will now think NOT ODEN! every time they announce your name…that’d be so cool. 
6. Bucks Yi Jianlian 7-0, 240 PF China  
Lots of comparisons to Bargnani and Kukok are floating around, which means he’s either just like that one guy no one has heard of or he’s a 7’ vagina that plays like he’s 5’9” and just floats around the three-point line waiting to chuck up really weird looking jump shots.
7. Timberwolves Joakim Noah 6-11, 230 PF/C Florida Jr.
While Noah needs to work on his strength, he is freakin’ scary looking and that might be just as effective.  Intimidation is intimidation, huh?  I am betting there will be zero posters with his likeness sold.  Having a teammate this ugly might make KG a little melancholy about missing his old teammate Sam Cassel.
8. Bobcats Corey Brewer 6-8, 185 SF Florida Jr.
With all the early comparisons to Scottie Pippen, it got me thinking…what if this guy isn’t only a player from the same mold as Pippen, but one of Scottie’s many bastard offspring?  That would be awesome to hear the announcers nervously explain “there’s a strong possibility Brewer comes from good basketball genes… maybe.”  It’ll really help Maury’s ratings to pull in two NBA players to a “You Are Not the Baby’s Father” show. 
9. Bulls (from New York) Spencer Hawes 7-0, 245 C Washington Fr.
Scouts are referring to Hawes as a young Kevin McHale.  While it’s not clear whether is it based on skill level or the guy just looks like a B-movie monster with freakishly wide shoulders, if the guy has a ton of really big, ugly sweaters, or if it means he’s a solid low-post scorer, it is certain that it is far better than being compared to an old Kevin McHale.
10. Kings Al Thornton 6-8, 225 F Florida State Sr.
While his stats are note-worthy, he is somewhat of a freak of nature, taking four years to complete the college experience, though.  Loser.
11. Hawks (from Indiana) Mike Conley Jr. 6-0, 170 PG Ohio State Fr.
Way better than Mike Conley Sr., Conley is never afraid to pull the trigger on a big shot.  However, his consistency is with his jumper needs a lot of work because when you are not that consistent, it doesn’t matter if you’re not scared to take the big shot…it scares the hell out of everyone else when you do. 
12. 76ers Julian Wright 6-8, 225 F Kansas Soph.
Great shooter and with his athletic ability, it’s being said that despite being a forward, he could actually keep up with Chris Paul, who I think is that rapper with all those nasty gold and platinum teeth… Excuse me…grill. 
13. Hornets Thaddeus Young 6-8, 215 SF Georgia Tech Fr.
The Hornets are obviously building a fast break type team and Young has the legs to run with Chris Paul, his grill, and the rest of the team.  
14. Clippers Nick Young 6-6, 200 SG USC Jr.
He’s athletic and can run with just about any team, but really, if you’re the Clippers, you can’t really go wrong in the draft.  Do we need a Center?  Yes.  Do we need a SF?  Yes.  Do we need a… YES, yes, you need everything.  So you should target skilled basketball players in this year’s draft.
15. Pistons (from Orlando) Acie Law 6-3, 190 G Texas A&M Sr.
Law can put up some serious numbers and being able to run the point or play the off guard spot, he could really develop into a key player for ay NBA team. He could also suck really bad.  I’m not committing.
16. Wizards Josh McRoberts 6-10, 240 PF Duke Soph.
Initially scouted for his team-first mentality, Wizards executives are truly just hoping the psych classes McRoberts took last semester will help with the behavioral issues of Arenas.  That dude is unbalanced.  
17. Nets Jason Smith 6-11, 240 PF Colorado State Jr.
While the nets looked strong in the latter part of the season, they clearly need a big man.  And Jason Smith might be what they need.   He’s big.  You see, 6’11” is well over the average height. No way would you have figured that out without my commentary and analysis.  I do my homework.
18. Warriors Tiago Splitter 6-11, 245 PF Brazil  
Splitter could really help the Warriors match up with some bigger teams, adding some much needed size to the roster. Splitter is also this really cool variation of poker.  It’s a lot like Texas Hold “Em, with 5 community cards, only all five are dealt out face down and one is turned sideways.  This card will determine what the splitter card is.  When the sideways card is turned over, if it is higher than an 8, the person with the highest card of the same suit as the splitter card in their hole cards gets half the pot.  If the splitter card is lower than an 8, the lowest hole card of that suit gets half the pot.  If the splitter card is an 8, there is no split pot.  You can really rack up a nice pot because there is action after every card is turned over.  Anyway…..what was I saying?
19. Lakers Javaris Crittenton 6-5, 195 G Georgia Tech Fr.
He’ll really compliment the Laker’s backcourt game by being there to support Kobe.  You know, to watch Kobe dribble…watch Kobe shoot…watch Kobe cheap-shot people by flailing his non-shooting arm into defenders and then bitch when he doesn’t get the foul, watch Kobe demand the management bring back people he ran out of town…
20. Heat Brandon Rush 6-6, 210 SF Kansas Soph.
He’s sure to get plenty of looks at the basket while playing with Shaq, Wade, Walker, Zo, Eddie Jones, Williams.  By February, he’ll forget what a basketball feels like.
21. 76ers (from Denver) Daequan Cook 6-5, 210 SG Ohio State Fr.

He’s not really that funny,  but seems to have fooled everyone into thinking he’s a great stand-up comic and somehow keeps getting film roles that he overacts in, robbing them of their comedic potential….wait, wrong Cook.  I don’t know this guy.

22. Bobcats (from Toronto through Cleveland) Rudy Fernandez 6-6, 170 SG Spain  
There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright…Fernandez.
23. Knicks (from Chicago) Derrick Byars 6-7, 225 SF Vanderbilt Sr.
Byars could provide some much needed help to the turmoiled Knicks.  Not as much as an Isiah Thomas assassination would help them, but still, he might help out.  
24. Suns (from Cleveland through Boston) Marco Belinelli 6-5, 190 SG Italy  
The Suns don’t need much, but Belinelli would fit in well. He’s not much.  And they don’t need much.  Good fit.
25. Jazz Rodney Stuckey 6-4, 205 G Eastern Washington Soph.
 Having played at a smaller profile school such as Eastern Washington, Stuckey is one of the draft’s hidden secrets. Well, I mean, I have heard of him…and seen him on TV…I guess he’s not all that hidden…or secret.  I got nothin’.
26. Rockets Petteri Kopenen 6-5, 195 PG Finland  
Despite being bound to be the biggest NBA star Finland ever produced, his true role would be to keep the game focused around Yao and T-Mac, which basically means he won’t be taking up any of their offensive looks or interview time.
27. Pistons Glen Davis 6-8, 275 PF LSU Jr.
The buzz is all about the winning personality Davis brings to the court, along with very soft hands. Not sure why this is important info for analyzing someone’s basketball game, though.  Maybe you should also know that he enjoys long walks on the beach and horseback riding. His turnoffs are dishonesty, “Players,” and Joakim Noah’s ponytail.
28. Spurs Nick Fazekas 6-11, 240 PF Nevada Sr.
Ahh, good old draft denial.  You know, the team that sees their aging star and says Crap!  We’ve got to get a replacement for him to pass the torch to and quick….here, we’ll take this guy.  They’re the same height!  Not sure exactly how he’ll become Tim Duncan version 2.0, but I would suggest he start by practicing his wide-eyed overreaction to the ref’s whistle.  On a side note, I know a great Greek deli that serves a mean fazekas on pita bread. 
29. Suns Sean Williams 6-10, 230 PF/C Boston College Jr.
With his shot blocking expertise, can’t you just imagine how Williams will be a much needed defensive addition to the Suns?  I mean, Won’t he?  I’m not alone in this opinion, am I?  Is anyone listening to me?
30. 76ers (from Dallas through Denver and Golden State) Gabe Pruitt 6-3, 175 G USC Jr.
Pruitt is just the right addition to this 76ers team. He’ll fit in well with that, umm, one guy they have at the PF spot…and…the, uh… pg…and…who the hell is on this team now?

  And here’s my last prediction for the draft… At the end of the night you’ll have that TNT Ernie nerd trying to pull off some cool hip hop expressions while he proclaims the 2007 draft the greatest draft of all time.  I can’t really say this is going out on a limb, though.  It’s what happens every year.   Oh, no…wait.  It’s ESPN now…now we just have to listen to Steven A. Smith.  BRING BACK ERNIE!  I’m sorry I mocked you, Ernie.

– Sean


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