Stephon Marbury Defends More Than Just Vick

The public may be shocked by my recent public support of Vick, but I have always supported my fellow misunderstood celebrities. 

Remember when I stood by O.J.? 

No?  You probably weren’t paying attention because I was still in high school and I didn’t have the nation’s attention like I should.  Since I do now, I’ll repeat myself.  I am worth listening to.  It don’t matter that it’s been like 13 or 14 years.

What I had said was, I think we don’t say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals.  You know, from what I understand, stabbing bitches is a sport. It’s just behind closed doors.  Or at least on sidewalks behind a fence. 

I think it’s tough that we build up O.J. and then we break him down.

Much more recently, you may have heard what I had to say in defense of Ron Artest. 

No?  I can’t stress enough the importance of my voice.  You really should be paying attention.  There’s a reason why I was given my own talk show. 

What I had said was, I think we don’t say anything about people who throw paper cups or heckle people, we only want to focus on the guy that beats someone to a bloody pulp.  You know, from what I understand, boxing is a sport. It’s just that both people are willing participants and both knew it was coming. 

I think it’s tough that we build up Artest and then we break him down.

And most recently, my man Tim Donaghy got himself into some trouble, but it seems a little unfair to me, the way people be reacting.  So I am going to take this chance right now for my important opinion to be heard on this.

I think we don’t say anything about people who place bets at legal betting sport books in Vegas.  You know, from what I understand, gambling is a sport.  I mean, they call the regulating commission the “gaming” commission, after all.  That makes it a sport.  Tim just did it behind closed doors.  And with a lot of say so over what could and couldn’t happen.  That’s just a smarter way to go about it is all. 

I think it’s tough that we build up Tim Donaghy and then we break him down.  

That’s all I’m sayin’. 

Sincerely,

Stephon Marbury

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More concerns about Michael Vick

We all know about the dog thing by now.  Old news.  But a new, concern for Vick has surfaced due to his multiple court/legal appointment appearances…

Michael Vick only owns one suit. 

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   Every legal meeting or procedure thus far, Vick has sported this one suit.  This suggest two possibilities; One, this suit cost several millions of dollars.  Two, the criminal mind only sees the need for one suit.  The court suit. 

On top of his lack of suits, Michael Vick’s life is further complicated by an nagging injury.  He is still suffering from blurry hand, so even if he’s not forever banned from the NFL, a comeback is questionable.  Doctors say Vick’s hand is still fuzzy, at best. 

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NFL Preseason – Not Quite the Most Boring Thing Ever

I fall for it every year.  Pre-season football comes on and I get all excited.  Finally a chance to see football again!  All the hits and amazingly well-diagramed plays executed to perfection… and then I actually watch a game and I am quickly reminded that it’s not football.  It’s football practice.  Mostly it’s a chance for about 60 guys to have a reason to  ask their drinking buddies next year, “Hey, remember when I was on the Ravens?  And Remember when I was on TV?” every time they get drunk.  Final scores of 9 to 12 or 3 to 6.  Four different quarterbacks taking snaps in one game, only two of them guys we’ll ever hear from again.  Announcers we’e never heard of telling us facts we’ll never remember about guys we don’t care about…  All of this made me ask myself out loud, “Is there anything more completely boring in the sports world as pre-season football?” 

As bored as I was, I quickly was able to answer my own question honestly.

Yes.  Yes, there is.  Several things actually.  Some examples that immediately came to mind are…

  

– Tennis.  Even the highlights.

– A post game interview in which no one invites a reporter to meet him at his office for a fight the next day, the phrase “then crown their asses” isn’t used, or a league fine/suspension is earned during the process.

– Yao Ming’s personality

– A pitcher trying to pick off a guy that is showing steal… 14 times in a row without a pitch being thrown. 

– Championship ring presentations

– Use of the telestrator.  Especially by Madden.  I’ll never forget when he circled how many A’s there were on Salaam’s Bears jersey.  There were 3.  Good times.

– Listening to players make trade demands

– Listening to sportscasters throw out a thousand different “What if” scenarios in response to a player making trade demands, theorizing who would be instantly 100% locks for a championship.

– A Phil Helmuth baby fit

– Scrabble.  Scrabble was seriously on ESPN 2 this weekend. 

– Possibly, the WNBA.  I only say “possibly” because I just assume it is.  Not going to take the chance to find out for sure by watching it. 

– The first 13 hours of the Super Bowl pre-game.  After that, it’s pretty good. 

– The Little League World Series for anyone who doesn’t have a family member on the team and isn’t a pedophile.

– The public apology of whatever athlete most recently gambled/cheated/raped/stole/shot/stabbed/snorted/injected/stalked/beat someone to a pulp.

– Golf that doesn’t involve someone getting hit with the ball.

– televised rain delays

– Listening to a sportscaster’s Top 25 College basketball picks… In July. 

– Day two of the NFL draft

– a 20 minute ESPNews segment on whether or not chatter in little league baseball is unsportsmanlike. 

– Every second of the MLB draft.  Quick, name the most hyped MLB draft pick ever!  Yeah, didn’t think you could. 

– The Atlanta Braves’ television commentary crew, who would announce a game winning grand slam in the bottom of the 4th extra inning to clinch the playoffs by saying… “And the braves win,”  with less emotion than I experience when tying my shoes.

– Full coverage of the Ironman Triathlon.  One exception was that time the two women’s legs kept giving out on them as they both struggled for the finish line.  Hilarious.     

– All things soccer.

– the Gumbels

– And one thing that is more boring than NFL pre-season football NOT from the sports world… figure skating.

  

In reviewing this list, it made me remember I am prone to use hyperbole , such as when I said “This is the most boring thing in sports” when attempting to watch the Ravens versus the Giants pre-season game.  It makes me thing of other pieces of evidence of my exaggerations, such as referring to something off the McDonalds menu as delicious, describing the Bulls’ draft this year as “awesome,” every  day at work as the worst day ever, and the NHL playoffs this year as kind of interesting. 

So, all in all, the NFL preseason is extremely boring, but it doesn’t even crack the top 25 in the sports world in terms of potential boredom offered. 

Don’t Take the Plea, Michael Vick!

Mr. Vick,

            Don’t do it.  You can beat this.  I mean, you are a celebrity and shouldn’t have to exist within the rules, laws, and moral standards us average citizens have to abide by.  No way should they make a celebrity go to prison. 

            And besides, you can beat this.  Outside of the testimony of several people, financial records, physical evidence, and a rape stand, what do they really have on you? 

            In fact, I feel your case is so strong you should be you own defender.  Just march right into the courtroom and set them straight.  Don’t wait for the trial to start because that will give the evil prosecution the chance to speak.  You get things started. And be forceful.  Lots of F-bombs and don’t be afraid to fly that famous middle finger.  It’ll bring back good memories about what a rebel you are and endear you to the jury.  During your tirade, use words like “outrage” and “travesty.”  Oh, and call the judge a joke.  It’ll make him doubt his own credibility.  After that, point out how all of the people that are testifying against you to save their own butts are nothing but a bunch of scumbags that would only hang out with other scumbags or possibly a douche bag or two.

            Chances are, just because he’s a professional and some of his judge friends might give him shit, the judge will try to pretend he doesn’t recognize how kick-ass your courtroom rant is and say something like “You’re out of order!”  This is the moment we all secretly dream of, getting to shout Pacino’s famous line “I’m out of order?  You’re out of order!  This whole court is out of order!”  No way you can pass up this opportunity. 

            I’d continue with my advice on how to word your rant, but this will clearly bring it to an end.  What trumps the “out of order” rant?  That question was rhetorical.  But the answer is “Nothing” if you were wondering. 

            All this excitement may put you on edge, so you should bring your weed.  And don’t hide it in your water bottle.  They will most likely know your hiding place.  It was on the news and everything.   I suggest hiding it in your glock holster.  

            Best of luck.

Sincerely,

Sean

Best Search Engine Results

One of the most entertaining aspects of managing the Foam Finger is getting to see what people put into search engines that result in hits for the site.  There have been some really great ones, such as…

– celibacy lakers

– triple deke (this one has shown up repeatedly)

– Corey Brewer Retarded Smile

– Movies with Boobs

– Big Boob Movies (Seriously, if you put these last two in a search engine, do you really stumble accross a sports site and go, “Oh, I wanna see that one!”?  Maybe it’s just a refreshing change for that searcher to find non-porn.)

– Discourage Bats visiting

– Wang

– Wang Combo

– Gay Clothing

and the All-Time champion has got to be…

– “lost his genitals” (Yeah, in quotes)

So with no further ado, I introduce a new feature… Best Search Engine Result of the Day.  Today’s champion, without question is…

– dwyane wade rodney stuckey mancrush

 Congrats, whoever you are, on having todays most outstanding search engine result. 

And the First Points Are on the Board!!!

The Sport Crime League

The Beef Catchers jump out to an early season lead with number #1 draft pick Michael Vick scoring an impressive 500 points before even making a court appearance.  Much to the chagrin of Optimus Crime fans, the Beef Catchers’ lead was extended by Stephen Jackson’s court appearance, which resulted in a league suspension as well.  Since the initial charges were pressed against Jackson and he was convicted long before the draft, those points are not scored, but he still manages to bring in an overwhelming 700 points, plus will add 50 points for each game he misses later in the season.   

Optimus Crime has yet to put up any points on the board.  But with Pacman’s upcoming suspension, some sure points are in OC’s future.  Plus, the dude is rumored to be considering a pro wrestling career and those guy like to break the law a lot.  Pacman on ‘roids?  Oh, man, imagine the possibilities.   

The scoring plays discussed here are listed below…

 Vick 

A crime is alleged against player – 100 points

Player accused of:           

Any felony not previously listed – 300 points

Player arrested – 100 points  

Stephen Jackson 

Court appearance – 150 points

Court fines – 100 points

Probation/Community service – 200 points

Violating “League Policy” – 150 points

A league suspension –   100 points   

Point totals 

Beef Catchers – 1200

Optimus Crime – Goose Egg

How to Be a Sportswriter – Lesson 2 – Ultra Clever Sports Puns

A sportswriter cannot assume people will seek out stories and information on their favorite teams.  People don’t want facts. They don’t feel like browsing though boring stuff like who won the game and by how much.  Who cares who the leading scorer was?  No one cares what records were broken that night.  People want to pick up the sports page and get what they’re really looking for out of their news… a moderate chuckle at a clever pun. 

The ingredients for a good…nay, great sports pun are surprisingly simple.  You just take someone’s name and/or nickname and plug into a cliché.  That easy.  Well, okay, there is a little more to it than that.  The cliché has to at least kind of sort of describe your story. 

For example, remember the stunning performance of LeBron James in the playoffs in which he scored, I don’t know, a billion points in the 4th quarter and took the game into overtime, in which he scored half a billion more?  Well, the headline should read King James Holds Court.  You see, because he ruled.  King.  Ruled.  Get it? Oh, man that’s good.

The Monday morning paper after this past Super Bowl Sunday?  Sports page should have featured the headline Super Bowl MVP?  The Colts Have Found Their Man(ning).  

Stanley Cup?  Ducks Too Mighty for Senators

On the Tour De France reign of Lance Armstrong, Only the (Arm)strong Survive.  Okay, I was really reaching into the past on that one, but as much ass as that headline kicks, that really shouldn’t matter.  Hell, I could still throw out my little beauties about the 85 Bears “Shuffling” to victory and it would still grab the readers by the horn.

Imagine this scenario… The Yankees are down one run in the bottom of the ninth against the Red Sox, a runner on third, and up to bat comes A-Rod, who has been 4-4 in the game with 2 homeruns.  Instead of pitching to hit and letting him bring home the game tying run, the Sox decide to walk A-Rod.  Up comes Giambi, who rips a shot into the far corner of right field, allowing both the runner on third and A-Rod to score, winning the game.  What should your headline be?  That’s easy. 

 Spare A-Rod, Spoil the Yankees 

See what I did there?  Not only is it a pun and ultra clever, it’s also taking a cliché, switching it up a little, and making it mine.  That’s my cliché now.  You’ll think of me and my brilliant sportswriting every time someone uses the old cliché about the rod and the kid being spoiled.  See?  My headline rules so hard I can’t even remember how the original goes now. 

  

Coming Up – Lesson 3: Ultra Bitter Home Team Reporting