Don’t Take the Plea, Michael Vick!

Mr. Vick,

            Don’t do it.  You can beat this.  I mean, you are a celebrity and shouldn’t have to exist within the rules, laws, and moral standards us average citizens have to abide by.  No way should they make a celebrity go to prison. 

            And besides, you can beat this.  Outside of the testimony of several people, financial records, physical evidence, and a rape stand, what do they really have on you? 

            In fact, I feel your case is so strong you should be you own defender.  Just march right into the courtroom and set them straight.  Don’t wait for the trial to start because that will give the evil prosecution the chance to speak.  You get things started. And be forceful.  Lots of F-bombs and don’t be afraid to fly that famous middle finger.  It’ll bring back good memories about what a rebel you are and endear you to the jury.  During your tirade, use words like “outrage” and “travesty.”  Oh, and call the judge a joke.  It’ll make him doubt his own credibility.  After that, point out how all of the people that are testifying against you to save their own butts are nothing but a bunch of scumbags that would only hang out with other scumbags or possibly a douche bag or two.

            Chances are, just because he’s a professional and some of his judge friends might give him shit, the judge will try to pretend he doesn’t recognize how kick-ass your courtroom rant is and say something like “You’re out of order!”  This is the moment we all secretly dream of, getting to shout Pacino’s famous line “I’m out of order?  You’re out of order!  This whole court is out of order!”  No way you can pass up this opportunity. 

            I’d continue with my advice on how to word your rant, but this will clearly bring it to an end.  What trumps the “out of order” rant?  That question was rhetorical.  But the answer is “Nothing” if you were wondering. 

            All this excitement may put you on edge, so you should bring your weed.  And don’t hide it in your water bottle.  They will most likely know your hiding place.  It was on the news and everything.   I suggest hiding it in your glock holster.  

            Best of luck.




1 Comment

  1. Another good place to hide your weed–under your rape stand.

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