The Barry Bonds News from the Future

With the very recent indictment against Barry Bonds for perjury and obstruction of justice, there are some very big news stories to come in the near future that will feature Barry Bonds. Unfortunately, We here at the Foam Finger will be out of the office when these stories hit the newswire, so we’re forced to scoop everyone by several months by delivering this future news today. Sorry to spoil the surprises…

Barry’s Headline from December 12th, 2007

Bonds Turns Himself in after Federal Indictments

Barry Bonds is likely to plead guilty to the charges behind his federal indictments, filed November 15, 2007, as he has turned himself in the authorities. Barry faces charges of four counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice, and countless charges of obstruction of the view of others with his oversized melon. The charges stem from Bonds’ December 2003 grand jury testimony in which he insisted his every expanding cranium was natural growth and his transformation from a stick figure in a Pirates uniform to John Coffey’s twin in a Giants uni was due to simply a change in diet and workout routines.

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Barry’s December 12th, 2007 mugshot. The authorities did not have a wide angle camera available to fit Bonds’ entire head in one photo

Despite turning himself in on the charges and his likely guilty plea, Bonds swears he is and always has been chemical free. He said he’d even swear on a Bible if it’d help everyone to believe him.

Barry’s Headline from September 22nd, 2008

Eight Months into 30 Year Prison Sentence, Bonds Remains Optimistic about Appeal Process

Eight Months and 150 lost pounds later, Barry Bonds walks the prison yard with confidence that it may be on of his last strolls around that prison yard. “We’ll win,” Barry boldly claims, referring to his upcoming appeal. “They still have no evidence I was ever on any performance enhancing chemicals.”

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“They still have no evidence I was ever on any performance enhancing chemicals,” a newly miniscule Bonds insists.

Regardless of the claims of Bonds, in just the eight short months, Barry’s signature muscle mass has noticeable decreased. “I just haven’t had time to hit the weights,” Bonds insists. “(I have) Been focusing on preparing for my appeal.”

Bonds also insists that the three operations in which his pecks were drained of fluids since his incarceration were necessary because of a genetic condition. “Bitch tits run in the Bonds family,” he explains. “You should have seen Grandpa’s jugs.”

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This Week’s Sports News that Changes Nothing

There’s always plenty of sports news, just not all of it matters.  Just take a look at all of these feature stories found this week in the sports world, paying specific attention to the complete lack of shock you experience and the complete lack of relevance to actual sports.

The Buffalo Bills announce they are sticking with Losman as starting QB against the Patriots.   Las Vegas bookies immediately make zero adjustments to the point spread.

 – Stephon Marbury leaves his team and is apparently unhappy.  Smart money says he’s either unhappy about the amount of touches new teammate Zack Randolph is getting or he’s unhappy that Isiah is getting all the negative press.  Oh, plus, it’s November.  I think he has “be disgruntled” penciled in on his calender.

– The Denver Broncos believe Travis Henry’s denial of drug use… after he passes a drug screen and a lie detector test.  Now that’s trust.   

– Adam Vinatieri missed a potential game winning field goal.  The Colts could have already been up by… wait a second… six offensive chances wasted multiplied by seven points, lost by two…. Yeah, 40 points.   

The Bears haven’t decided if Rex Grossman or Brian Griese gets the start this week.  So, we don’t know which guy will be throwing interceptions and running really poorly thought-out offensive game plans.

– Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen Twins.  Now were this a couple of years ago, it would have been news, the R. Kelly kind if news.  But now that she’s of age, it’s not news.  It”s just very, very creepy. 

– Don Shula Says The Patriots Going Undefeated this Season Would Be a Marred Accomplishment.Very classy move.  I think his original quote was “No Fair! Mom, tell the Patriots to quit trying to be like us!”

– Cavs Forward Drew Gooden to Reveal New Tattoo.  With any luck, it will be as goofy as his hair during last year’s playoffs.  And announcing that someone in the NBA has a tattoo?  Isn’t that about as shocking and revealing as a headline about him planning to wear basketball shoes?

– Jimmie Johnson Not Sorry that Jeff Gordon Fell Short of Catching Him in Point Lead.  Really, you mean he wanted to finish first?  Weird.

Martina Hingis’s Argument Totally Holds Water

Martina Hingis recently announced her retirement from tennis after she tested postive for cocaine on a urine drug screen. 

In defense of the accusations… accusations based on positive scientific testing procedures, Martina Hingis clearly explains this whole mess.  “They say that cocaine increases self-confidence and creates a type of euphoria. I don’t know,” Hingis said. “I only know that if I were to try to hit the ball while in any state of euphoria, it simply wouldn’t work. I would think that it would be impossible for anyone to maintain the coordination required to play top class tennis while under the influence of drugs.”  I know what you’re thinking… There’s no arguing with such a valid point.   And I don’t think this performance decreasing factor of cocaine is limited solely to just tennis.  I mean, obviously, there is no way someone on coke could display the kind of grace of a Michael Irvin needed in a wide receiver to run routes and snag passes on the fly or have the hand/eye coordination it would take to be the type of batter Darryl Strawberry was.    And there’s simply no way to sum up the dangers of feeling euphoric, nor can one over-exaggerate its detrimental effects on mental focus.  According to some stats somewhere, 76% of all automobile accidents are caused by euphoria.  AAA suggests that if you’ve had a particularly enjoyable date, an all-around good day, or a financial windfall, try to remember what it felt like the first time you watched Old Yeller before getting behind the wheel.  Even Road Rage is safer than Cloud 9 Driving, as it has come to be known.  You may have a sense of well-being, but how well will you truly be when you drive under an 18 wheeler just because you have no worries.  Those things weigh a lot.  You should worry while on the road, not just haphazardly feel that all in being well. So, with this obvious evidence that there is no way Hingis could have been using cocaine, how can Hingis’s positive drug test be explained?  A simple mix-up may be to blame here, but I strongly suspect that the lab technician was experiencing some feelings of euphoria for some undisclosed reason and was unable to accurately perform his or her job.   Further dispelling these ridiculous accusations and ludicrous scientific evidence, Hingis, almost poetically, summed up her clearly drug-free playing style, stating, “My weapon on the tennis court is and always was one single thing: the game, the ingenuity on court,” Hingis said. “And for this style of tennis, there is only one performance enhancer — the love of the game.”  Oddly, enough, Hingis’s urine tested negative for love of the game.

Preparing for the Kobe Hype

With all the trade rumors flying around about Kobe coming to the Bulls… sorry, as a Bulls fan, I had to take a moment to suppress my gag reflex… anyway, with all these trade rumors, it’s time for the Bulls, as well as some of the other teams in the running to land Bryant, to consider their potential marketing strategies should Kobe come to town. 

The NBA is big on team slogans right now, like the League’s  marketing campaign of “Where Amazing Happens” or the Rocket’s tag line “It’s Time” or the Knicks tagline “At Least We’re Not as Mismanaged as  Minnesota”, so here are a few headlines these teams might want to consider…

The Bulls:

“No More Team Rebuilding, We’ve got a Team Demolition Specialist Now”

“The Bulls:  Now with Way More Unnecessary Drama”

“The Bulls: Now with Way More Rape”

“Kobe; Here to Fill the Gap Left by the Absence of Ditka’s Ego”

“Great, Two Chicago Sports Team with the Curse of the G.O.A.T.”

 

The Nuggets: (Editor’s note… some of these would work without the trade happening)

“No One in Colorado Ever Stops Bryant from Taking It to the Hole.” 

“Shattering Records, Breaking Laws.”

“Smoke A Little Weed, Do a Little Rape, Get Down Tonight”

“We’ll Never Let Kobe Ride Home with J.R.”

“The Nuggets – 14 Felonies and 0 Championships… Both Those Numbers Are About to Go Waaaaaaaaaaaay Up.”

 The Wizards:

“Because In D.C., Everyone’s Willing to Forget Where Your Wang Has Been” 

“And You Thought Arenas Had An Inflated Ego?” 

“Washington, Where the Greats Come to Play When They Are Done Winning”