So What Do I Get from Your Failed Guarantee, Anthony Smith?

So, Anthony Smith, your Steelers didn’t win.  But I am confused… you guaranteed that win.  What are you backing it up with?  When some burger joint guarantees fresh food, I at least get a coupon to get my next unfresh burger for free when they don’t follow through.  So, where do I cash in all these guarantees that didn’t pan out from Sports stars?  “I guarantee a win.”  Well, you lost… please refund all ticket sales and merchandising profits.  This phrase means nothing.  I want these athletes to say “or…” and then offer what price they’ll pay if there is not guarantee followed through on.  My suggestions, for entertainment sake, would be for Smith to have followed his guarantee with…”or I’ll play my next game without shoulder pads.”  “Or I’ll punch myself in the junk on TV”  or “You can shit in my helmet just before kickoff.”  And this isn’t just directed at Smith, or even just football. 

This applies across the board in the sports world.  Since the “I’ll play without shoulder pads” thing isn’t universal, I’ll give athletes from a number of sports some help tagging a consequence onto these guarantees.  It’s easy.  You just start your sentence with “I guarantee we will win…” and finish that sentence with one of these follow-throughs…

Hockey – “Or I’ll sit bare-assed on the ice right after the Zambone makes a pass.

Boxing – “Or I’ll fight my next fight allowing my opponent to have broken glass on his gloves ala Jean Claude versus Tong Po.”

Baseball – “Or I’ll sign with the Pirates and no one will ever hear of me again.” 

Soccer – “Or else I’ll… uhh, do something no one will really notice anyway.  Unless I’m David Beckham… then I’ll just publically admit to thinning hair being the reason I shaved my hair off.”

NBA “Or I’ll spend a night in a Colorado hotel room with Kobe.”              “Or I’ll stop calling myself Hibachi”

WNBA – “Or I’ll force myself to watch 10 hours of WNBA broadcasts.” 

Men’s College Basketball – “Or I’ll stay in school for two seasons.”

Fuseball – “Or I’ll make my guys do several backflips in a row simultaneously” (We miss you, Mitch)

Golf – “Or I’ll let everyone make fart noises while I tee off”

Battle Robots – “Or I’ll date a girl.” 

Women’s Volley ball – “Or I’ll wear a top with less fabric than these shorts”

Guy’s Volleyball – “Or I’ll…wait, who I’m talking to… no one would be interviewing me.  I’m a male volleyball player”

Competitive eating – “Or I’ll strain all my eating-assisting cups of water through Rosie O’Donnell’s panties… or possibly boxer briefs.”

Mortal Kombat – “Or I’ll die.”  

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the “punch myself in the junk on TV” applies to all sports.  Even if it is women’s sports. 

So, to all the athletes, if you’re not willing to tag something on that pays off if your guarantee isn’t delivered, just say that you feel confident that you will win.  Otherwise, prepare for self-junk  punching.

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NFL Preseason – Not Quite the Most Boring Thing Ever

I fall for it every year.  Pre-season football comes on and I get all excited.  Finally a chance to see football again!  All the hits and amazingly well-diagramed plays executed to perfection… and then I actually watch a game and I am quickly reminded that it’s not football.  It’s football practice.  Mostly it’s a chance for about 60 guys to have a reason to  ask their drinking buddies next year, “Hey, remember when I was on the Ravens?  And Remember when I was on TV?” every time they get drunk.  Final scores of 9 to 12 or 3 to 6.  Four different quarterbacks taking snaps in one game, only two of them guys we’ll ever hear from again.  Announcers we’e never heard of telling us facts we’ll never remember about guys we don’t care about…  All of this made me ask myself out loud, “Is there anything more completely boring in the sports world as pre-season football?” 

As bored as I was, I quickly was able to answer my own question honestly.

Yes.  Yes, there is.  Several things actually.  Some examples that immediately came to mind are…

  

– Tennis.  Even the highlights.

– A post game interview in which no one invites a reporter to meet him at his office for a fight the next day, the phrase “then crown their asses” isn’t used, or a league fine/suspension is earned during the process.

– Yao Ming’s personality

– A pitcher trying to pick off a guy that is showing steal… 14 times in a row without a pitch being thrown. 

– Championship ring presentations

– Use of the telestrator.  Especially by Madden.  I’ll never forget when he circled how many A’s there were on Salaam’s Bears jersey.  There were 3.  Good times.

– Listening to players make trade demands

– Listening to sportscasters throw out a thousand different “What if” scenarios in response to a player making trade demands, theorizing who would be instantly 100% locks for a championship.

– A Phil Helmuth baby fit

– Scrabble.  Scrabble was seriously on ESPN 2 this weekend. 

– Possibly, the WNBA.  I only say “possibly” because I just assume it is.  Not going to take the chance to find out for sure by watching it. 

– The first 13 hours of the Super Bowl pre-game.  After that, it’s pretty good. 

– The Little League World Series for anyone who doesn’t have a family member on the team and isn’t a pedophile.

– The public apology of whatever athlete most recently gambled/cheated/raped/stole/shot/stabbed/snorted/injected/stalked/beat someone to a pulp.

– Golf that doesn’t involve someone getting hit with the ball.

– televised rain delays

– Listening to a sportscaster’s Top 25 College basketball picks… In July. 

– Day two of the NFL draft

– a 20 minute ESPNews segment on whether or not chatter in little league baseball is unsportsmanlike. 

– Every second of the MLB draft.  Quick, name the most hyped MLB draft pick ever!  Yeah, didn’t think you could. 

– The Atlanta Braves’ television commentary crew, who would announce a game winning grand slam in the bottom of the 4th extra inning to clinch the playoffs by saying… “And the braves win,”  with less emotion than I experience when tying my shoes.

– Full coverage of the Ironman Triathlon.  One exception was that time the two women’s legs kept giving out on them as they both struggled for the finish line.  Hilarious.     

– All things soccer.

– the Gumbels

– And one thing that is more boring than NFL pre-season football NOT from the sports world… figure skating.

  

In reviewing this list, it made me remember I am prone to use hyperbole , such as when I said “This is the most boring thing in sports” when attempting to watch the Ravens versus the Giants pre-season game.  It makes me thing of other pieces of evidence of my exaggerations, such as referring to something off the McDonalds menu as delicious, describing the Bulls’ draft this year as “awesome,” every  day at work as the worst day ever, and the NHL playoffs this year as kind of interesting. 

So, all in all, the NFL preseason is extremely boring, but it doesn’t even crack the top 25 in the sports world in terms of potential boredom offered.