So What Do I Get from Your Failed Guarantee, Anthony Smith?

So, Anthony Smith, your Steelers didn’t win.  But I am confused… you guaranteed that win.  What are you backing it up with?  When some burger joint guarantees fresh food, I at least get a coupon to get my next unfresh burger for free when they don’t follow through.  So, where do I cash in all these guarantees that didn’t pan out from Sports stars?  “I guarantee a win.”  Well, you lost… please refund all ticket sales and merchandising profits.  This phrase means nothing.  I want these athletes to say “or…” and then offer what price they’ll pay if there is not guarantee followed through on.  My suggestions, for entertainment sake, would be for Smith to have followed his guarantee with…”or I’ll play my next game without shoulder pads.”  “Or I’ll punch myself in the junk on TV”  or “You can shit in my helmet just before kickoff.”  And this isn’t just directed at Smith, or even just football. 

This applies across the board in the sports world.  Since the “I’ll play without shoulder pads” thing isn’t universal, I’ll give athletes from a number of sports some help tagging a consequence onto these guarantees.  It’s easy.  You just start your sentence with “I guarantee we will win…” and finish that sentence with one of these follow-throughs…

Hockey – “Or I’ll sit bare-assed on the ice right after the Zambone makes a pass.

Boxing – “Or I’ll fight my next fight allowing my opponent to have broken glass on his gloves ala Jean Claude versus Tong Po.”

Baseball – “Or I’ll sign with the Pirates and no one will ever hear of me again.” 

Soccer – “Or else I’ll… uhh, do something no one will really notice anyway.  Unless I’m David Beckham… then I’ll just publically admit to thinning hair being the reason I shaved my hair off.”

NBA “Or I’ll spend a night in a Colorado hotel room with Kobe.”              “Or I’ll stop calling myself Hibachi”

WNBA – “Or I’ll force myself to watch 10 hours of WNBA broadcasts.” 

Men’s College Basketball – “Or I’ll stay in school for two seasons.”

Fuseball – “Or I’ll make my guys do several backflips in a row simultaneously” (We miss you, Mitch)

Golf – “Or I’ll let everyone make fart noises while I tee off”

Battle Robots – “Or I’ll date a girl.” 

Women’s Volley ball – “Or I’ll wear a top with less fabric than these shorts”

Guy’s Volleyball – “Or I’ll…wait, who I’m talking to… no one would be interviewing me.  I’m a male volleyball player”

Competitive eating – “Or I’ll strain all my eating-assisting cups of water through Rosie O’Donnell’s panties… or possibly boxer briefs.”

Mortal Kombat – “Or I’ll die.”  

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the “punch myself in the junk on TV” applies to all sports.  Even if it is women’s sports. 

So, to all the athletes, if you’re not willing to tag something on that pays off if your guarantee isn’t delivered, just say that you feel confident that you will win.  Otherwise, prepare for self-junk  punching.