So What Do I Get from Your Failed Guarantee, Anthony Smith?

So, Anthony Smith, your Steelers didn’t win.  But I am confused… you guaranteed that win.  What are you backing it up with?  When some burger joint guarantees fresh food, I at least get a coupon to get my next unfresh burger for free when they don’t follow through.  So, where do I cash in all these guarantees that didn’t pan out from Sports stars?  “I guarantee a win.”  Well, you lost… please refund all ticket sales and merchandising profits.  This phrase means nothing.  I want these athletes to say “or…” and then offer what price they’ll pay if there is not guarantee followed through on.  My suggestions, for entertainment sake, would be for Smith to have followed his guarantee with…”or I’ll play my next game without shoulder pads.”  “Or I’ll punch myself in the junk on TV”  or “You can shit in my helmet just before kickoff.”  And this isn’t just directed at Smith, or even just football. 

This applies across the board in the sports world.  Since the “I’ll play without shoulder pads” thing isn’t universal, I’ll give athletes from a number of sports some help tagging a consequence onto these guarantees.  It’s easy.  You just start your sentence with “I guarantee we will win…” and finish that sentence with one of these follow-throughs…

Hockey – “Or I’ll sit bare-assed on the ice right after the Zambone makes a pass.

Boxing – “Or I’ll fight my next fight allowing my opponent to have broken glass on his gloves ala Jean Claude versus Tong Po.”

Baseball – “Or I’ll sign with the Pirates and no one will ever hear of me again.” 

Soccer – “Or else I’ll… uhh, do something no one will really notice anyway.  Unless I’m David Beckham… then I’ll just publically admit to thinning hair being the reason I shaved my hair off.”

NBA “Or I’ll spend a night in a Colorado hotel room with Kobe.”              “Or I’ll stop calling myself Hibachi”

WNBA – “Or I’ll force myself to watch 10 hours of WNBA broadcasts.” 

Men’s College Basketball – “Or I’ll stay in school for two seasons.”

Fuseball – “Or I’ll make my guys do several backflips in a row simultaneously” (We miss you, Mitch)

Golf – “Or I’ll let everyone make fart noises while I tee off”

Battle Robots – “Or I’ll date a girl.” 

Women’s Volley ball – “Or I’ll wear a top with less fabric than these shorts”

Guy’s Volleyball – “Or I’ll…wait, who I’m talking to… no one would be interviewing me.  I’m a male volleyball player”

Competitive eating – “Or I’ll strain all my eating-assisting cups of water through Rosie O’Donnell’s panties… or possibly boxer briefs.”

Mortal Kombat – “Or I’ll die.”  

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the “punch myself in the junk on TV” applies to all sports.  Even if it is women’s sports. 

So, to all the athletes, if you’re not willing to tag something on that pays off if your guarantee isn’t delivered, just say that you feel confident that you will win.  Otherwise, prepare for self-junk  punching.

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The Barry Bonds News from the Future

With the very recent indictment against Barry Bonds for perjury and obstruction of justice, there are some very big news stories to come in the near future that will feature Barry Bonds. Unfortunately, We here at the Foam Finger will be out of the office when these stories hit the newswire, so we’re forced to scoop everyone by several months by delivering this future news today. Sorry to spoil the surprises…

Barry’s Headline from December 12th, 2007

Bonds Turns Himself in after Federal Indictments

Barry Bonds is likely to plead guilty to the charges behind his federal indictments, filed November 15, 2007, as he has turned himself in the authorities. Barry faces charges of four counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice, and countless charges of obstruction of the view of others with his oversized melon. The charges stem from Bonds’ December 2003 grand jury testimony in which he insisted his every expanding cranium was natural growth and his transformation from a stick figure in a Pirates uniform to John Coffey’s twin in a Giants uni was due to simply a change in diet and workout routines.

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Barry’s December 12th, 2007 mugshot. The authorities did not have a wide angle camera available to fit Bonds’ entire head in one photo

Despite turning himself in on the charges and his likely guilty plea, Bonds swears he is and always has been chemical free. He said he’d even swear on a Bible if it’d help everyone to believe him.

Barry’s Headline from September 22nd, 2008

Eight Months into 30 Year Prison Sentence, Bonds Remains Optimistic about Appeal Process

Eight Months and 150 lost pounds later, Barry Bonds walks the prison yard with confidence that it may be on of his last strolls around that prison yard. “We’ll win,” Barry boldly claims, referring to his upcoming appeal. “They still have no evidence I was ever on any performance enhancing chemicals.”

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“They still have no evidence I was ever on any performance enhancing chemicals,” a newly miniscule Bonds insists.

Regardless of the claims of Bonds, in just the eight short months, Barry’s signature muscle mass has noticeable decreased. “I just haven’t had time to hit the weights,” Bonds insists. “(I have) Been focusing on preparing for my appeal.”

Bonds also insists that the three operations in which his pecks were drained of fluids since his incarceration were necessary because of a genetic condition. “Bitch tits run in the Bonds family,” he explains. “You should have seen Grandpa’s jugs.”

NFL Preseason – Not Quite the Most Boring Thing Ever

I fall for it every year.  Pre-season football comes on and I get all excited.  Finally a chance to see football again!  All the hits and amazingly well-diagramed plays executed to perfection… and then I actually watch a game and I am quickly reminded that it’s not football.  It’s football practice.  Mostly it’s a chance for about 60 guys to have a reason to  ask their drinking buddies next year, “Hey, remember when I was on the Ravens?  And Remember when I was on TV?” every time they get drunk.  Final scores of 9 to 12 or 3 to 6.  Four different quarterbacks taking snaps in one game, only two of them guys we’ll ever hear from again.  Announcers we’e never heard of telling us facts we’ll never remember about guys we don’t care about…  All of this made me ask myself out loud, “Is there anything more completely boring in the sports world as pre-season football?” 

As bored as I was, I quickly was able to answer my own question honestly.

Yes.  Yes, there is.  Several things actually.  Some examples that immediately came to mind are…

  

– Tennis.  Even the highlights.

– A post game interview in which no one invites a reporter to meet him at his office for a fight the next day, the phrase “then crown their asses” isn’t used, or a league fine/suspension is earned during the process.

– Yao Ming’s personality

– A pitcher trying to pick off a guy that is showing steal… 14 times in a row without a pitch being thrown. 

– Championship ring presentations

– Use of the telestrator.  Especially by Madden.  I’ll never forget when he circled how many A’s there were on Salaam’s Bears jersey.  There were 3.  Good times.

– Listening to players make trade demands

– Listening to sportscasters throw out a thousand different “What if” scenarios in response to a player making trade demands, theorizing who would be instantly 100% locks for a championship.

– A Phil Helmuth baby fit

– Scrabble.  Scrabble was seriously on ESPN 2 this weekend. 

– Possibly, the WNBA.  I only say “possibly” because I just assume it is.  Not going to take the chance to find out for sure by watching it. 

– The first 13 hours of the Super Bowl pre-game.  After that, it’s pretty good. 

– The Little League World Series for anyone who doesn’t have a family member on the team and isn’t a pedophile.

– The public apology of whatever athlete most recently gambled/cheated/raped/stole/shot/stabbed/snorted/injected/stalked/beat someone to a pulp.

– Golf that doesn’t involve someone getting hit with the ball.

– televised rain delays

– Listening to a sportscaster’s Top 25 College basketball picks… In July. 

– Day two of the NFL draft

– a 20 minute ESPNews segment on whether or not chatter in little league baseball is unsportsmanlike. 

– Every second of the MLB draft.  Quick, name the most hyped MLB draft pick ever!  Yeah, didn’t think you could. 

– The Atlanta Braves’ television commentary crew, who would announce a game winning grand slam in the bottom of the 4th extra inning to clinch the playoffs by saying… “And the braves win,”  with less emotion than I experience when tying my shoes.

– Full coverage of the Ironman Triathlon.  One exception was that time the two women’s legs kept giving out on them as they both struggled for the finish line.  Hilarious.     

– All things soccer.

– the Gumbels

– And one thing that is more boring than NFL pre-season football NOT from the sports world… figure skating.

  

In reviewing this list, it made me remember I am prone to use hyperbole , such as when I said “This is the most boring thing in sports” when attempting to watch the Ravens versus the Giants pre-season game.  It makes me thing of other pieces of evidence of my exaggerations, such as referring to something off the McDonalds menu as delicious, describing the Bulls’ draft this year as “awesome,” every  day at work as the worst day ever, and the NHL playoffs this year as kind of interesting. 

So, all in all, the NFL preseason is extremely boring, but it doesn’t even crack the top 25 in the sports world in terms of potential boredom offered. 

Warning! This Is Not a Sports Movie!

I know I may be too late for many of you with this warning, as this isn’t a new release.  It was just one of those movies I never got around to, but almays meant to because it was a sports movie.  

Don’t be fooled.  For Love of the Game is not a sports movie.  Sure, it’s got sports involved in the plot, involved in the title… Hell, it’s even got sports right on the cover…

 

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But do not be fooled.  This is a chick flick.   It’s got basically one sports scene spread out with tons of crap that chick flicks are full of.  His girlfriend asking “Would you still love me if…” questions for 20 minutes, Costner wearing fruity sweaters and talking about ice skating, the bonding process with his girlfriend’s kid, and other stuff I don’t feel like remembering. 

 This movie could have been great if it had been 30 minutes long with that one sports scene being it.  I would have probably loved it if one of two things would have been different…. a) They would have written the story around the game Billy Chapel was playing with no love interest involved or b) I had a vagina and they kept it just how it was. 

Now, there have been a lot of dirty tricks to get guys to think a movie is worth seeing only to later find out they were duped into viewing something that belongs on the Lifetime Network, but this is a new low.  This is sports.  It makes me want to produce a movie called something like, I don’t know, “Wedding something-a-rother” and cast Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant, and Kathy Bates as the comic relief.  It’ll start off with a scene where Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts are entering the chapel, then right before the wedding begins, his cell phone rings and he gets a job offer to coach the down and out Cleveland Browns.  He leaves Julia at the alter and the rest of the movie is a football fest with the underdog Browns putting together a ramshackle bunch of misfits to pull off a miracle season.  The previews wouldn’t show anything about football and the poster for my movie ruse would feature a wedding bouqette.  Oh, yeah, and there’d be a lot of boobs.  For no reason.  That would teach ’em.

Andruw Jones Caught Trying to Reach the Unreachable

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“Oh, like you never tried it,” Said a red-faced Jones.

NFL Crime Highlighted by the Media, but Disturbing MLB Crime Trend Ignored

Every day, stories of NFL players such as Adam “Pacman” Jones, Tank Johnson, and Chris Henry are discussed at length in the media.  Commissioner Roger Goodell has stepped in and tried to crack down on this disturbing trend, but it hasn’t done much to stem the tide.  Jones is being charged with two felonies in Las Vegas, and is being sought for questioning in an Atlanta strip club shooting incident that occurred earlier this week.

NFL player conduct is clearly a major issue in sports, and the media is discussing it to death.  But an even stranger sports issue has emerged, but no one seems to be talking about it:  Major League Baseball’s recent outbreak of home invasions.

Carlos Zambrano has become a very visible icon in Chicago sports, both due to his impressive performance on the mound and his fiery temperment.  His recent scuffle with now ex-teammate Michael Barrett in the dugout has been much publicized.  One incident that has not received much media attention was his off the field run-ins with cross town rival AJ Pierzynski.

Video of this incident can be seen here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riIw1iIpof4

Zambrano is seen entering Pierzynski’s bedroom while Pierzynski is asleep, and stealthily filling the sleeping player’s hand with shaving cream.  He then produces a large feather and tickles Pierzynski, causing him to slap the shaving cream onto his own face.  In another incident, Pierzynski returns the favor by entering Zambrano’s home while he sleeps, then waxing the pitcher’s entire eyebrow off.  In both incidents, the aggressor attempts to return to their victim’s good graces by plying him with fast food.

Unfortunately, this does not seem to be an isolated incident.  Jermaine Dye was seen entering Michael Barrett’s home while he slpet, then drawing on the player’s face with permanent marker.  Barrett retaliated by filling Dye’s bedroom with mouse traps.  Again, fast food was offered as an olive branch.

All of these incidents have been captured on video, yet the media seems to be ignoring the questions and implications raised.

First of all, why are the authorities looking the other way in cases of blatant home invasion?  Had Pierzynski awoken to find Zambrano in his home and proceeded to shoot him, he would have been justified by the law.  Pierzynski took the law into his own hands by breaking into Zambrano’s home.  Were these incidents even reported to the police?  I attempted to reach the Chicago Police Department about these incidents, but the officer I spoke to hung up laughing.  This implies a high ranking cover up job, or just blatant disregard for public safety.

Now, some have argued that these cases have not been serious.  No one is getting hurt (although Dye’s exposure to multiple pinches from mouse traps couldn’t have been pleasant), and they seem to be nothing more than lighthearted pranks.  But are we overlooking the trees here?  Home invasion is still home invasion, no matter what is done once inside the home. 

There are even more disturbing issues at play here, ones that even I can’t seem to fathom.  Why do Major League Baseball players sleep in their full uniforms, including their hats?  Do all players do this?  And why do multi-millionaire athletes live in such modest homes, without any hint of security or technology?  The media wants no part of this controversy, instead choosing to focus on NFL player strip club attendance and weapon ownership.

And again, what is the connection to fast food, and why does it seem to render the crime insignificant?  Does giving your victim fast food really void out the crime?

If so, I’ll have to remember to hit the drive through before my next date. 

A-Rod and Wang Combo Produces Large Results as Yankees Stick It Hard to the Mets

June 17th, 2007 – New York, NY

It’s already been established that A-Rod can deliver great satisfaction, but when you’ve got your Wang firing off like this, there’s no limit to how good it can get. 

A-Rod came to the plate for the Yankees, swing a huge stick, tallying up his 491st career homerun and added to his league leading season RBI’s total, making it a whopping 73.

But even more impressive was the Yankee’s Wang.  He slipped the Mets the hot one so many times, he retired 10 men, becoming only the fourth Yankee to ever do so in a single outing. 

“I’ve seen Wang come out big before,” manager Joe Torre stated immediately following the 8-2 victory of the cross-town rivals, “but when Wang gets up to 10, that’s huge!”   And it’s not just a skillful Wang on the field, this Wang shows endurance, lasting eight innings on the mount.  Mound, I mean mound. 

“You really just can’t beat Wang, “Torre added, “And you can’t beat A-Rod either….Well, I suppose you could beat them, but it’d end up being really hard.”

It was a long one for Mets pitcher Orlando Hernandez.  “The Yankees are a tough team all around, “Hernandez said, “and when they get the bats going, they can be a handful.  But when A-Rod starts swinging like that, it’s way more than a handful. It’s downright intimidating.”

The Yankees are on a roll, winning 11 or their last 12.  Despite this dominance, the Yankees look to extend an already well-endowed roster, calling up minor leaguers Hugh Peters, Dick Johnson, and Bob Phallus.

Penis.

  

  

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