So What Do I Get from Your Failed Guarantee, Anthony Smith?

So, Anthony Smith, your Steelers didn’t win.  But I am confused… you guaranteed that win.  What are you backing it up with?  When some burger joint guarantees fresh food, I at least get a coupon to get my next unfresh burger for free when they don’t follow through.  So, where do I cash in all these guarantees that didn’t pan out from Sports stars?  “I guarantee a win.”  Well, you lost… please refund all ticket sales and merchandising profits.  This phrase means nothing.  I want these athletes to say “or…” and then offer what price they’ll pay if there is not guarantee followed through on.  My suggestions, for entertainment sake, would be for Smith to have followed his guarantee with…”or I’ll play my next game without shoulder pads.”  “Or I’ll punch myself in the junk on TV”  or “You can shit in my helmet just before kickoff.”  And this isn’t just directed at Smith, or even just football. 

This applies across the board in the sports world.  Since the “I’ll play without shoulder pads” thing isn’t universal, I’ll give athletes from a number of sports some help tagging a consequence onto these guarantees.  It’s easy.  You just start your sentence with “I guarantee we will win…” and finish that sentence with one of these follow-throughs…

Hockey – “Or I’ll sit bare-assed on the ice right after the Zambone makes a pass.

Boxing – “Or I’ll fight my next fight allowing my opponent to have broken glass on his gloves ala Jean Claude versus Tong Po.”

Baseball – “Or I’ll sign with the Pirates and no one will ever hear of me again.” 

Soccer – “Or else I’ll… uhh, do something no one will really notice anyway.  Unless I’m David Beckham… then I’ll just publically admit to thinning hair being the reason I shaved my hair off.”

NBA “Or I’ll spend a night in a Colorado hotel room with Kobe.”              “Or I’ll stop calling myself Hibachi”

WNBA – “Or I’ll force myself to watch 10 hours of WNBA broadcasts.” 

Men’s College Basketball – “Or I’ll stay in school for two seasons.”

Fuseball – “Or I’ll make my guys do several backflips in a row simultaneously” (We miss you, Mitch)

Golf – “Or I’ll let everyone make fart noises while I tee off”

Battle Robots – “Or I’ll date a girl.” 

Women’s Volley ball – “Or I’ll wear a top with less fabric than these shorts”

Guy’s Volleyball – “Or I’ll…wait, who I’m talking to… no one would be interviewing me.  I’m a male volleyball player”

Competitive eating – “Or I’ll strain all my eating-assisting cups of water through Rosie O’Donnell’s panties… or possibly boxer briefs.”

Mortal Kombat – “Or I’ll die.”  

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the “punch myself in the junk on TV” applies to all sports.  Even if it is women’s sports. 

So, to all the athletes, if you’re not willing to tag something on that pays off if your guarantee isn’t delivered, just say that you feel confident that you will win.  Otherwise, prepare for self-junk  punching.


This Week’s Sports News that Changes Nothing

There’s always plenty of sports news, just not all of it matters.  Just take a look at all of these feature stories found this week in the sports world, paying specific attention to the complete lack of shock you experience and the complete lack of relevance to actual sports.

The Buffalo Bills announce they are sticking with Losman as starting QB against the Patriots.   Las Vegas bookies immediately make zero adjustments to the point spread.

 – Stephon Marbury leaves his team and is apparently unhappy.  Smart money says he’s either unhappy about the amount of touches new teammate Zack Randolph is getting or he’s unhappy that Isiah is getting all the negative press.  Oh, plus, it’s November.  I think he has “be disgruntled” penciled in on his calender.

– The Denver Broncos believe Travis Henry’s denial of drug use… after he passes a drug screen and a lie detector test.  Now that’s trust.   

– Adam Vinatieri missed a potential game winning field goal.  The Colts could have already been up by… wait a second… six offensive chances wasted multiplied by seven points, lost by two…. Yeah, 40 points.   

The Bears haven’t decided if Rex Grossman or Brian Griese gets the start this week.  So, we don’t know which guy will be throwing interceptions and running really poorly thought-out offensive game plans.

– Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen Twins.  Now were this a couple of years ago, it would have been news, the R. Kelly kind if news.  But now that she’s of age, it’s not news.  It”s just very, very creepy. 

– Don Shula Says The Patriots Going Undefeated this Season Would Be a Marred Accomplishment.Very classy move.  I think his original quote was “No Fair! Mom, tell the Patriots to quit trying to be like us!”

– Cavs Forward Drew Gooden to Reveal New Tattoo.  With any luck, it will be as goofy as his hair during last year’s playoffs.  And announcing that someone in the NBA has a tattoo?  Isn’t that about as shocking and revealing as a headline about him planning to wear basketball shoes?

– Jimmie Johnson Not Sorry that Jeff Gordon Fell Short of Catching Him in Point Lead.  Really, you mean he wanted to finish first?  Weird.

Stephon Marbury Defends Isiah Thomas and, Once Again… the Juice

Man, it’s been a busy week for me, defending my fellow pro athletes.  Y’all probably heard I had to come to my man Isiah’s defense this part week.  I mean, sexual harassment?  Come on, dawg.  Bitch can’t take a joke, is all.  Probably just needs to get laid. 


I mean, yeah, I heard her get called a bitch all the time around the office, but, according to many credible sources in the hip hop industry, her being female and all, she’s either a bitch or a ho, right.  And if Imus taught us anything, you don’t call no female basketball players hoes.  So what’s that leave Isiah with?  That’s right, bitch… it’s bitch.  The man only had one option. 


And obviously, he thought she was an attractive bitch.  He was trying to get with her, so that’s a compliment. It ain’t like he was calling her an ugly bitch.  Now that would be bad.  Hell, she should feel privileged. He’s a star.  She should be willing to meet up with him for a nice romantic evening, something like meeting in front of a strip club and then getting it on in his Escalade. 


And that bitch was creating a hostile work environment, anyway.  Always focused on negative responses, always being like “No, leave me alone.” Or “Stop talking to me like that.”  Why you gotta be argumentative?  


And my man.  O.J.  Man, they’re at you again.  All I have to say is, why everybody always on O.J.’s back? I mean, all the guy was doing was… uhh, busting up into a hotel room…no, that don’t sound good…


Okay, Okay, I got it… all O.J. was doing was showing he ain’t the one to be toyed with… no that don’t sound good either…


Uhh… O.J. was just… just…


You know what?  Not even I can come up with something to make this one make any sense. 


Sorry, Juice. 


 – Stephon M.

Stephon Marbury Defends More Than Just Vick

The public may be shocked by my recent public support of Vick, but I have always supported my fellow misunderstood celebrities. 

Remember when I stood by O.J.? 

No?  You probably weren’t paying attention because I was still in high school and I didn’t have the nation’s attention like I should.  Since I do now, I’ll repeat myself.  I am worth listening to.  It don’t matter that it’s been like 13 or 14 years.

What I had said was, I think we don’t say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals.  You know, from what I understand, stabbing bitches is a sport. It’s just behind closed doors.  Or at least on sidewalks behind a fence. 

I think it’s tough that we build up O.J. and then we break him down.

Much more recently, you may have heard what I had to say in defense of Ron Artest. 

No?  I can’t stress enough the importance of my voice.  You really should be paying attention.  There’s a reason why I was given my own talk show. 

What I had said was, I think we don’t say anything about people who throw paper cups or heckle people, we only want to focus on the guy that beats someone to a bloody pulp.  You know, from what I understand, boxing is a sport. It’s just that both people are willing participants and both knew it was coming. 

I think it’s tough that we build up Artest and then we break him down.

And most recently, my man Tim Donaghy got himself into some trouble, but it seems a little unfair to me, the way people be reacting.  So I am going to take this chance right now for my important opinion to be heard on this.

I think we don’t say anything about people who place bets at legal betting sport books in Vegas.  You know, from what I understand, gambling is a sport.  I mean, they call the regulating commission the “gaming” commission, after all.  That makes it a sport.  Tim just did it behind closed doors.  And with a lot of say so over what could and couldn’t happen.  That’s just a smarter way to go about it is all. 

I think it’s tough that we build up Tim Donaghy and then we break him down.  

That’s all I’m sayin’. 


Stephon Marbury

More concerns about Michael Vick

We all know about the dog thing by now.  Old news.  But a new, concern for Vick has surfaced due to his multiple court/legal appointment appearances…

Michael Vick only owns one suit. 


   Every legal meeting or procedure thus far, Vick has sported this one suit.  This suggest two possibilities; One, this suit cost several millions of dollars.  Two, the criminal mind only sees the need for one suit.  The court suit. 

On top of his lack of suits, Michael Vick’s life is further complicated by an nagging injury.  He is still suffering from blurry hand, so even if he’s not forever banned from the NFL, a comeback is questionable.  Doctors say Vick’s hand is still fuzzy, at best. 


NFL Preseason – Not Quite the Most Boring Thing Ever

I fall for it every year.  Pre-season football comes on and I get all excited.  Finally a chance to see football again!  All the hits and amazingly well-diagramed plays executed to perfection… and then I actually watch a game and I am quickly reminded that it’s not football.  It’s football practice.  Mostly it’s a chance for about 60 guys to have a reason to  ask their drinking buddies next year, “Hey, remember when I was on the Ravens?  And Remember when I was on TV?” every time they get drunk.  Final scores of 9 to 12 or 3 to 6.  Four different quarterbacks taking snaps in one game, only two of them guys we’ll ever hear from again.  Announcers we’e never heard of telling us facts we’ll never remember about guys we don’t care about…  All of this made me ask myself out loud, “Is there anything more completely boring in the sports world as pre-season football?” 

As bored as I was, I quickly was able to answer my own question honestly.

Yes.  Yes, there is.  Several things actually.  Some examples that immediately came to mind are…


– Tennis.  Even the highlights.

– A post game interview in which no one invites a reporter to meet him at his office for a fight the next day, the phrase “then crown their asses” isn’t used, or a league fine/suspension is earned during the process.

– Yao Ming’s personality

– A pitcher trying to pick off a guy that is showing steal… 14 times in a row without a pitch being thrown. 

– Championship ring presentations

– Use of the telestrator.  Especially by Madden.  I’ll never forget when he circled how many A’s there were on Salaam’s Bears jersey.  There were 3.  Good times.

– Listening to players make trade demands

– Listening to sportscasters throw out a thousand different “What if” scenarios in response to a player making trade demands, theorizing who would be instantly 100% locks for a championship.

– A Phil Helmuth baby fit

– Scrabble.  Scrabble was seriously on ESPN 2 this weekend. 

– Possibly, the WNBA.  I only say “possibly” because I just assume it is.  Not going to take the chance to find out for sure by watching it. 

– The first 13 hours of the Super Bowl pre-game.  After that, it’s pretty good. 

– The Little League World Series for anyone who doesn’t have a family member on the team and isn’t a pedophile.

– The public apology of whatever athlete most recently gambled/cheated/raped/stole/shot/stabbed/snorted/injected/stalked/beat someone to a pulp.

– Golf that doesn’t involve someone getting hit with the ball.

– televised rain delays

– Listening to a sportscaster’s Top 25 College basketball picks… In July. 

– Day two of the NFL draft

– a 20 minute ESPNews segment on whether or not chatter in little league baseball is unsportsmanlike. 

– Every second of the MLB draft.  Quick, name the most hyped MLB draft pick ever!  Yeah, didn’t think you could. 

– The Atlanta Braves’ television commentary crew, who would announce a game winning grand slam in the bottom of the 4th extra inning to clinch the playoffs by saying… “And the braves win,”  with less emotion than I experience when tying my shoes.

– Full coverage of the Ironman Triathlon.  One exception was that time the two women’s legs kept giving out on them as they both struggled for the finish line.  Hilarious.     

– All things soccer.

– the Gumbels

– And one thing that is more boring than NFL pre-season football NOT from the sports world… figure skating.


In reviewing this list, it made me remember I am prone to use hyperbole , such as when I said “This is the most boring thing in sports” when attempting to watch the Ravens versus the Giants pre-season game.  It makes me thing of other pieces of evidence of my exaggerations, such as referring to something off the McDonalds menu as delicious, describing the Bulls’ draft this year as “awesome,” every  day at work as the worst day ever, and the NHL playoffs this year as kind of interesting. 

So, all in all, the NFL preseason is extremely boring, but it doesn’t even crack the top 25 in the sports world in terms of potential boredom offered. 

Don’t Take the Plea, Michael Vick!

Mr. Vick,

            Don’t do it.  You can beat this.  I mean, you are a celebrity and shouldn’t have to exist within the rules, laws, and moral standards us average citizens have to abide by.  No way should they make a celebrity go to prison. 

            And besides, you can beat this.  Outside of the testimony of several people, financial records, physical evidence, and a rape stand, what do they really have on you? 

            In fact, I feel your case is so strong you should be you own defender.  Just march right into the courtroom and set them straight.  Don’t wait for the trial to start because that will give the evil prosecution the chance to speak.  You get things started. And be forceful.  Lots of F-bombs and don’t be afraid to fly that famous middle finger.  It’ll bring back good memories about what a rebel you are and endear you to the jury.  During your tirade, use words like “outrage” and “travesty.”  Oh, and call the judge a joke.  It’ll make him doubt his own credibility.  After that, point out how all of the people that are testifying against you to save their own butts are nothing but a bunch of scumbags that would only hang out with other scumbags or possibly a douche bag or two.

            Chances are, just because he’s a professional and some of his judge friends might give him shit, the judge will try to pretend he doesn’t recognize how kick-ass your courtroom rant is and say something like “You’re out of order!”  This is the moment we all secretly dream of, getting to shout Pacino’s famous line “I’m out of order?  You’re out of order!  This whole court is out of order!”  No way you can pass up this opportunity. 

            I’d continue with my advice on how to word your rant, but this will clearly bring it to an end.  What trumps the “out of order” rant?  That question was rhetorical.  But the answer is “Nothing” if you were wondering. 

            All this excitement may put you on edge, so you should bring your weed.  And don’t hide it in your water bottle.  They will most likely know your hiding place.  It was on the news and everything.   I suggest hiding it in your glock holster.  

            Best of luck.