Martina Hingis’s Argument Totally Holds Water

Martina Hingis recently announced her retirement from tennis after she tested postive for cocaine on a urine drug screen. 

In defense of the accusations… accusations based on positive scientific testing procedures, Martina Hingis clearly explains this whole mess.  “They say that cocaine increases self-confidence and creates a type of euphoria. I don’t know,” Hingis said. “I only know that if I were to try to hit the ball while in any state of euphoria, it simply wouldn’t work. I would think that it would be impossible for anyone to maintain the coordination required to play top class tennis while under the influence of drugs.”  I know what you’re thinking… There’s no arguing with such a valid point.   And I don’t think this performance decreasing factor of cocaine is limited solely to just tennis.  I mean, obviously, there is no way someone on coke could display the kind of grace of a Michael Irvin needed in a wide receiver to run routes and snag passes on the fly or have the hand/eye coordination it would take to be the type of batter Darryl Strawberry was.    And there’s simply no way to sum up the dangers of feeling euphoric, nor can one over-exaggerate its detrimental effects on mental focus.  According to some stats somewhere, 76% of all automobile accidents are caused by euphoria.  AAA suggests that if you’ve had a particularly enjoyable date, an all-around good day, or a financial windfall, try to remember what it felt like the first time you watched Old Yeller before getting behind the wheel.  Even Road Rage is safer than Cloud 9 Driving, as it has come to be known.  You may have a sense of well-being, but how well will you truly be when you drive under an 18 wheeler just because you have no worries.  Those things weigh a lot.  You should worry while on the road, not just haphazardly feel that all in being well. So, with this obvious evidence that there is no way Hingis could have been using cocaine, how can Hingis’s positive drug test be explained?  A simple mix-up may be to blame here, but I strongly suspect that the lab technician was experiencing some feelings of euphoria for some undisclosed reason and was unable to accurately perform his or her job.   Further dispelling these ridiculous accusations and ludicrous scientific evidence, Hingis, almost poetically, summed up her clearly drug-free playing style, stating, “My weapon on the tennis court is and always was one single thing: the game, the ingenuity on court,” Hingis said. “And for this style of tennis, there is only one performance enhancer — the love of the game.”  Oddly, enough, Hingis’s urine tested negative for love of the game.


NFL Preseason – Not Quite the Most Boring Thing Ever

I fall for it every year.  Pre-season football comes on and I get all excited.  Finally a chance to see football again!  All the hits and amazingly well-diagramed plays executed to perfection… and then I actually watch a game and I am quickly reminded that it’s not football.  It’s football practice.  Mostly it’s a chance for about 60 guys to have a reason to  ask their drinking buddies next year, “Hey, remember when I was on the Ravens?  And Remember when I was on TV?” every time they get drunk.  Final scores of 9 to 12 or 3 to 6.  Four different quarterbacks taking snaps in one game, only two of them guys we’ll ever hear from again.  Announcers we’e never heard of telling us facts we’ll never remember about guys we don’t care about…  All of this made me ask myself out loud, “Is there anything more completely boring in the sports world as pre-season football?” 

As bored as I was, I quickly was able to answer my own question honestly.

Yes.  Yes, there is.  Several things actually.  Some examples that immediately came to mind are…


– Tennis.  Even the highlights.

– A post game interview in which no one invites a reporter to meet him at his office for a fight the next day, the phrase “then crown their asses” isn’t used, or a league fine/suspension is earned during the process.

– Yao Ming’s personality

– A pitcher trying to pick off a guy that is showing steal… 14 times in a row without a pitch being thrown. 

– Championship ring presentations

– Use of the telestrator.  Especially by Madden.  I’ll never forget when he circled how many A’s there were on Salaam’s Bears jersey.  There were 3.  Good times.

– Listening to players make trade demands

– Listening to sportscasters throw out a thousand different “What if” scenarios in response to a player making trade demands, theorizing who would be instantly 100% locks for a championship.

– A Phil Helmuth baby fit

– Scrabble.  Scrabble was seriously on ESPN 2 this weekend. 

– Possibly, the WNBA.  I only say “possibly” because I just assume it is.  Not going to take the chance to find out for sure by watching it. 

– The first 13 hours of the Super Bowl pre-game.  After that, it’s pretty good. 

– The Little League World Series for anyone who doesn’t have a family member on the team and isn’t a pedophile.

– The public apology of whatever athlete most recently gambled/cheated/raped/stole/shot/stabbed/snorted/injected/stalked/beat someone to a pulp.

– Golf that doesn’t involve someone getting hit with the ball.

– televised rain delays

– Listening to a sportscaster’s Top 25 College basketball picks… In July. 

– Day two of the NFL draft

– a 20 minute ESPNews segment on whether or not chatter in little league baseball is unsportsmanlike. 

– Every second of the MLB draft.  Quick, name the most hyped MLB draft pick ever!  Yeah, didn’t think you could. 

– The Atlanta Braves’ television commentary crew, who would announce a game winning grand slam in the bottom of the 4th extra inning to clinch the playoffs by saying… “And the braves win,”  with less emotion than I experience when tying my shoes.

– Full coverage of the Ironman Triathlon.  One exception was that time the two women’s legs kept giving out on them as they both struggled for the finish line.  Hilarious.     

– All things soccer.

– the Gumbels

– And one thing that is more boring than NFL pre-season football NOT from the sports world… figure skating.


In reviewing this list, it made me remember I am prone to use hyperbole , such as when I said “This is the most boring thing in sports” when attempting to watch the Ravens versus the Giants pre-season game.  It makes me thing of other pieces of evidence of my exaggerations, such as referring to something off the McDonalds menu as delicious, describing the Bulls’ draft this year as “awesome,” every  day at work as the worst day ever, and the NHL playoffs this year as kind of interesting. 

So, all in all, the NFL preseason is extremely boring, but it doesn’t even crack the top 25 in the sports world in terms of potential boredom offered. 

Beckham Mania Runs Wild: People Still Don’t Care About Soccer

As David Beckham makes his American debut, fans flock to snap pictures of him at trendy restaurants and movie premieres.  Just not at soccer matches. 

It appears the Michael Jordan of Soccer isn’t the Michael Jordan of Making People Give a Crap about Soccer. 

At one of his recent public appearances with his wife (who has somehow fooled the world into thinking she’s incredibly hot.), The Finger asked several fans about Beckham and found out that people are more concerned with his present hairstyle and what designer’s clothing him and his wife are sporting than they are concerned about his ball kicking. 

“He plays soccer?” Asks a confused Beckham fan.  “But he’s not a middle school student.”


Another well-informed onlooker stated, “Oh, yeah, he came to America to play soccer.  I just hope he can make the transition to the new sport.  I think he played football in England.” 

One fan out of the crowd was very defensive of the exciting sport of soccer, berating the rest of the crowd for only being there as pop culture fans and not fans of the sported packed with such captivating occurrences such as three hour games that end in zero-zero ties and people getting in trouble for touching a ball.  In response to The Fingers representatives laughing at him, this fan ranted, “Oh, you’re just jealous that your precious football and basketball players aren’t tough enough to play a real man’s sport.”


Real man’s sport, huh?  Yeah… really looks like it. 






You know why people streak so many soccer games?  Because something has to happen.  And why have people continued to try to make soccer work here?  One, it’s not going to.  We’ve seen this push how many times?  I couldn’t tell you the name of the local pro team or if there is a local team. Is it maybe the Chicago Sting?  Last I heard, that was the local team.  I couldn’t even tell you the name of the pro soccer league.  And if you tell me right now, tomorrow… still won’t know it.  It’s info that won’t make it past the filters, like workers paging each other at Wal-Mart.  I might hear it, maybe even pay attention for a second, but it’s not significant enough to really register. 

Secondly, it’s not a worthy thing to push for.  Crowd violence is so common in soccer fans is there is a label for the type of fan that likes to start some shit.  One that gets used more often than “soccer fan.”  We don’t need soccer hooligans here.  We do well enough with violence as it is. 

Of course the biggest issue… it’s boring.  No sport should be considered high scoring when there were a total of three scoring plays in three hours. 

So, if you’re the one soccer fan in your town, it’s time to realize you are not going to arm wrestle us into liking a boring sport.  No matter what Beckham’s hair looks like this week.