So What Do I Get from Your Failed Guarantee, Anthony Smith?

So, Anthony Smith, your Steelers didn’t win.  But I am confused… you guaranteed that win.  What are you backing it up with?  When some burger joint guarantees fresh food, I at least get a coupon to get my next unfresh burger for free when they don’t follow through.  So, where do I cash in all these guarantees that didn’t pan out from Sports stars?  “I guarantee a win.”  Well, you lost… please refund all ticket sales and merchandising profits.  This phrase means nothing.  I want these athletes to say “or…” and then offer what price they’ll pay if there is not guarantee followed through on.  My suggestions, for entertainment sake, would be for Smith to have followed his guarantee with…”or I’ll play my next game without shoulder pads.”  “Or I’ll punch myself in the junk on TV”  or “You can shit in my helmet just before kickoff.”  And this isn’t just directed at Smith, or even just football. 

This applies across the board in the sports world.  Since the “I’ll play without shoulder pads” thing isn’t universal, I’ll give athletes from a number of sports some help tagging a consequence onto these guarantees.  It’s easy.  You just start your sentence with “I guarantee we will win…” and finish that sentence with one of these follow-throughs…

Hockey – “Or I’ll sit bare-assed on the ice right after the Zambone makes a pass.

Boxing – “Or I’ll fight my next fight allowing my opponent to have broken glass on his gloves ala Jean Claude versus Tong Po.”

Baseball – “Or I’ll sign with the Pirates and no one will ever hear of me again.” 

Soccer – “Or else I’ll… uhh, do something no one will really notice anyway.  Unless I’m David Beckham… then I’ll just publically admit to thinning hair being the reason I shaved my hair off.”

NBA “Or I’ll spend a night in a Colorado hotel room with Kobe.”              “Or I’ll stop calling myself Hibachi”

WNBA – “Or I’ll force myself to watch 10 hours of WNBA broadcasts.” 

Men’s College Basketball – “Or I’ll stay in school for two seasons.”

Fuseball – “Or I’ll make my guys do several backflips in a row simultaneously” (We miss you, Mitch)

Golf – “Or I’ll let everyone make fart noises while I tee off”

Battle Robots – “Or I’ll date a girl.” 

Women’s Volley ball – “Or I’ll wear a top with less fabric than these shorts”

Guy’s Volleyball – “Or I’ll…wait, who I’m talking to… no one would be interviewing me.  I’m a male volleyball player”

Competitive eating – “Or I’ll strain all my eating-assisting cups of water through Rosie O’Donnell’s panties… or possibly boxer briefs.”

Mortal Kombat – “Or I’ll die.”  

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the “punch myself in the junk on TV” applies to all sports.  Even if it is women’s sports. 

So, to all the athletes, if you’re not willing to tag something on that pays off if your guarantee isn’t delivered, just say that you feel confident that you will win.  Otherwise, prepare for self-junk  punching.


The Barry Bonds News from the Future

With the very recent indictment against Barry Bonds for perjury and obstruction of justice, there are some very big news stories to come in the near future that will feature Barry Bonds. Unfortunately, We here at the Foam Finger will be out of the office when these stories hit the newswire, so we’re forced to scoop everyone by several months by delivering this future news today. Sorry to spoil the surprises…

Barry’s Headline from December 12th, 2007

Bonds Turns Himself in after Federal Indictments

Barry Bonds is likely to plead guilty to the charges behind his federal indictments, filed November 15, 2007, as he has turned himself in the authorities. Barry faces charges of four counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice, and countless charges of obstruction of the view of others with his oversized melon. The charges stem from Bonds’ December 2003 grand jury testimony in which he insisted his every expanding cranium was natural growth and his transformation from a stick figure in a Pirates uniform to John Coffey’s twin in a Giants uni was due to simply a change in diet and workout routines.


Barry’s December 12th, 2007 mugshot. The authorities did not have a wide angle camera available to fit Bonds’ entire head in one photo

Despite turning himself in on the charges and his likely guilty plea, Bonds swears he is and always has been chemical free. He said he’d even swear on a Bible if it’d help everyone to believe him.

Barry’s Headline from September 22nd, 2008

Eight Months into 30 Year Prison Sentence, Bonds Remains Optimistic about Appeal Process

Eight Months and 150 lost pounds later, Barry Bonds walks the prison yard with confidence that it may be on of his last strolls around that prison yard. “We’ll win,” Barry boldly claims, referring to his upcoming appeal. “They still have no evidence I was ever on any performance enhancing chemicals.”


“They still have no evidence I was ever on any performance enhancing chemicals,” a newly miniscule Bonds insists.

Regardless of the claims of Bonds, in just the eight short months, Barry’s signature muscle mass has noticeable decreased. “I just haven’t had time to hit the weights,” Bonds insists. “(I have) Been focusing on preparing for my appeal.”

Bonds also insists that the three operations in which his pecks were drained of fluids since his incarceration were necessary because of a genetic condition. “Bitch tits run in the Bonds family,” he explains. “You should have seen Grandpa’s jugs.”