Don’t Take the Plea, Michael Vick!

Mr. Vick,

            Don’t do it.  You can beat this.  I mean, you are a celebrity and shouldn’t have to exist within the rules, laws, and moral standards us average citizens have to abide by.  No way should they make a celebrity go to prison. 

            And besides, you can beat this.  Outside of the testimony of several people, financial records, physical evidence, and a rape stand, what do they really have on you? 

            In fact, I feel your case is so strong you should be you own defender.  Just march right into the courtroom and set them straight.  Don’t wait for the trial to start because that will give the evil prosecution the chance to speak.  You get things started. And be forceful.  Lots of F-bombs and don’t be afraid to fly that famous middle finger.  It’ll bring back good memories about what a rebel you are and endear you to the jury.  During your tirade, use words like “outrage” and “travesty.”  Oh, and call the judge a joke.  It’ll make him doubt his own credibility.  After that, point out how all of the people that are testifying against you to save their own butts are nothing but a bunch of scumbags that would only hang out with other scumbags or possibly a douche bag or two.

            Chances are, just because he’s a professional and some of his judge friends might give him shit, the judge will try to pretend he doesn’t recognize how kick-ass your courtroom rant is and say something like “You’re out of order!”  This is the moment we all secretly dream of, getting to shout Pacino’s famous line “I’m out of order?  You’re out of order!  This whole court is out of order!”  No way you can pass up this opportunity. 

            I’d continue with my advice on how to word your rant, but this will clearly bring it to an end.  What trumps the “out of order” rant?  That question was rhetorical.  But the answer is “Nothing” if you were wondering. 

            All this excitement may put you on edge, so you should bring your weed.  And don’t hide it in your water bottle.  They will most likely know your hiding place.  It was on the news and everything.   I suggest hiding it in your glock holster.  

            Best of luck.

Sincerely,

Sean

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And the First Points Are on the Board!!!

The Sport Crime League

The Beef Catchers jump out to an early season lead with number #1 draft pick Michael Vick scoring an impressive 500 points before even making a court appearance.  Much to the chagrin of Optimus Crime fans, the Beef Catchers’ lead was extended by Stephen Jackson’s court appearance, which resulted in a league suspension as well.  Since the initial charges were pressed against Jackson and he was convicted long before the draft, those points are not scored, but he still manages to bring in an overwhelming 700 points, plus will add 50 points for each game he misses later in the season.   

Optimus Crime has yet to put up any points on the board.  But with Pacman’s upcoming suspension, some sure points are in OC’s future.  Plus, the dude is rumored to be considering a pro wrestling career and those guy like to break the law a lot.  Pacman on ‘roids?  Oh, man, imagine the possibilities.   

The scoring plays discussed here are listed below…

 Vick 

A crime is alleged against player – 100 points

Player accused of:           

Any felony not previously listed – 300 points

Player arrested – 100 points  

Stephen Jackson 

Court appearance – 150 points

Court fines – 100 points

Probation/Community service – 200 points

Violating “League Policy” – 150 points

A league suspension –   100 points   

Point totals 

Beef Catchers – 1200

Optimus Crime – Goose Egg

The Sports Crime League Draft

The draft is now beginning and will be held via email… 

With the first pick in the 2007 Big Foam Finger Criminal Activity Draft, The Beef Catchers select Michael Vick from the Atlanta Falcons. You can keep your Tank Johnsons, your Pacman Joneses, and your other thuggish NFL players with made up names.  I’ll take the guy who is on the brink of a major criminal investigation into his involvement in the gruesome underground world of dogfighting.  Experts have speculated that Vick’s involvement is very large, and it could result in significant criminal charges, jail time, and suspension from the NFL.   In NFL fantasy drafts, owners covet Vick for his wide array of athletic gifts.  I chose him for the wide array of suspect behaviors in his checkered personal history.  In this offseason, he’s already garnered suspicion for allegedly attempting to bring drugs onto a flight (his name was cleared, but come on) as well as his ties to dogfighting.  He also has the Ron Mexico scandal on his sparkling resume, which may not be criminal, but it is hilarious.   

Welcome to the Beef Catchers, Mr. Mexico.   

 – Scott  

With the second pick in the 2007 Big Foam Finger Criminal Activity Draft, Optimus Crime selects Pacman Jones of the Tennessee Titans. 

I feel like Seattle in this year’s NBA draft.  I really couldn’t go wrong and Scott would basically decide for me.  I feel while Vick may put up some serious numbers in the very near future, Jones will be my Tim Duncan, consistently bringing in strong numbers.  With his ability to ignore the impact strip clubs have on his behavior and the inability to see a possible impact his past and present actions could have on his upcoming trial/trials, it not only bodes well for these upcoming legal proceedings to score big, it greatly increases the probably of repeated offenses.

I may consider attempting to join the entourage of Mr. Jones in order to pad my stats, spurring on criminal behavior by whispering things to him like “Hey, Pacman, did you hear what that stripper called you?” or  “Don’t forget to bring your gun.  Oh, the weed, too.”

Nah, never mind, I don’t desire to be shot and I would feel guilty for the rest of my life if I had shot and crippled a guy.  I just wouldn’t fit in.  Plus, the guy seems to be doing well enough to violate the law on his own. 

Suit up, Pacman, you are my team captain.

 – Sean  

With the third select, The Beef Catchers select Stephen Jackson from the Indiana Pacers. 

Jackson has proven to have poor judgment, a thug mentality, questionable motives, and bad priorities.  These characteristics will assuredly continue in the future. 

 – Scott  

Good pick, Scott… Especially after last season’s quote, “I’d go into the stands again in a heartbeat if I had to.”

With the fourth pick in the 2007 Big Foam Finger Criminal Activity Draft, Optimus Crime selects Zack Randolph of the New York Knicks.

My friend Jim has told me several times in life, “Never trust a guy with two first names.”  Randolph proves his theory.  Arrests dating back to high school and a tendency to punch teammates make him an easy pick.  Plus, I think the guy I really had my eye on is enough of a sleeper that he’ll go under the radar for another round.

The trade to New York can’t be good for the chances of Randolph staying out of trouble.  He found legal trouble in one of the most laidback cities in the U.S.  What kind of stuff can he get into in the big city?  Stuff worth a lot of points in this league, I’m sure. 

The X-Factor with this pick is Nate Robinson, New York Knick, regular instigator, and Oompa Loompa.  He’s likely to not only spur Randolph on to be a bully on the court, he’s likely to get under his skin at practices and become the next locker room knockout victim.  This x-factor is what allows Randolph to edge out the other NBA criminals. 

 -Sean 

With the fifth pick, The Beef Catchers select Elijah Dukes of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

 

Dukes burst onto the criminal activity scene after leaving voicemails for his baby’s mamma threatening to kill her and her children.  To follow this up, his public interviews following this event showed him to be severely unstable.

 

His youth is what sets him apart.  He is a bona fide rookie, so we’re looking at a long career of public nuisance opening up before our very eyes. 

  – Scott  

With the Sixth overall pick, Optimus Crime chooses Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals.

This was my sleeper pick.  It’s not that’s he’s been quiet in terms of legal matters, it’s just that the press hasn’t given him Tank/Pacman level press.  They should.  Three arrests in a three year career.  Tank only had, what, 2 ½ or so?  (It should have been three, but the police wussed out with this last one, making an illegal activity sound legal and then completely backing down, so it counts as a half)  With his crimes being less in the national spotlight, he probably thinks he’s under the radar, which means an increased likelihood for him to go on a crime spree. 

 – Sean  

With the 7th pick in the draft, the Beef Catchers select Barry Bonds from the San Francisco Giants.

 

This is a hopeful pick.  I hope with ever fiber of my being that he is exposed and goes down in flames.  Every day that this doesn’t happen is upsetting.  He could potentially be charged with perjury, obstruction of justice, and a host of steroid related charges that could result in his ouster from baseball.  This needs to happen.  

 – Scott   

With the eighth selection, Optimus Crime drafts J.R. Smith of the Denver Nuggets.

 

Come on, he just killed a guy.

 – Sean  

With the 9th selection, The Beef Catchers select Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens.  He’s killed before, he’ll kill again.  I don’t buy this new image of his. 

 – Scott   

If I didn’t have to pick a baseball player, I’d go for Sean Williams of the New Jersey Nets. 

Though he has yet to suit up for a single pro game, he’s already displayed his potential by being the first guy I can remember to ever enter the draft early because the college said he had to go.  He’ll do fine to keep up with the tradition of Nets in terms of frequent court appearances, though most likely for weed, not for multiple DUI’s, smacking his hot wife around or killing limo drivers.  He’s got his own thing. 

I really struggled with filling my MLB player requirement.  The NBA and especially the NFL have overshadowed the illicit acts of baseball for awhile now, despite the steroid stuff.  I know so little about the players right now.  I’ll just have to go with one of the steroid bunch.  I’m going to go with a name prominent on that list, but not one of the main cheaters they most commonly talk about.  It’s not that he’s a bigger cheater than the other cheaters or less of a cheater.  He’s just more of a douche than most of them.  Besides the one Scott already took.  So…

With the 10th pick of the 2007 draft, Optimus Crime selects Rogers Clemons of the satanic New York Yankees.

I’m hoping that as things become more and more public about the steroid issue, it will bring his douche mentality into the lime light, which is the most flavorful of all light. 

 – Sean 

This concludes the active player section of the draft, with neither crime superstar Tank Johnson nor perennial psycho Ron Artest making an appearance.  I suppose we are just more visionary to take the obvious pick every time.   We now move on to the section of the draft covering managerial staff and retired players, not necessarily in that order.     

With their next pick, the Beef Catchers select Ozzie Guillen, manager of the Chicago White Sox.  His big mouth has gotten him into hot water, his team’s horrid season may push him over the edge. 

 – Scott    

With the 12th overall pick, Optimus Crime elects to draft Mark Cuban, Owner of the Dallas Mavericks.

Now, he doesn’t have much of a legal record, but the guy racks up fines at the same rate I do at the video store.  Plus, word is he might be founding the NFL minor league and is attempting to buy the Cubs which gives him a ton more time in the public eye to screw up.   And everything about this guy screams “MENTALLY UNSTABLE!!!”  His major meltdown is only a matter of time. 

 – Sean 

For their retired player, the Beef Catchers select Jose Canseco.  He’s got himself mixed up in all this steroids mess, but his past arrests include reckless driving and assault.  He’s just too damn stupid to stay out of trouble for too long. 

 – Scott  

With the 14th selection, Optimus Crime chooses Retired MLB Star Darryl Strawberry. 

He’s waaaaaaay overdue for a court appearance.  It seems like it’s been at least 5 years since he’s been in legal trouble, which is about 4 years and 51 weeks longer than his previous streak.   I’m just playing the odds.  Plus, with his son in the NBA now, he’s more likely to be back in the spotlight.  He’s never done well with the spotlight. 

 – Sean   

Now that our player slots are all filled, we now turn to our final roster spot and select our teams…

The Beef Catchers select…The Denver Nuggets.  Carmelo and AI together could do some real damage.  They’ve both had trouble in the past.  Don’t forget JR Smith and Marcus Camby.  And anyone named Nene has got to be trouble. 

  – Scott 

There are a lot of ill-mannered, ill-behaved, law-ignoring teams out there.  I came close to picking the Knicks, the Cowboys (Just for old time’s sake), The Yankees because they’re evil, the Nuggets(if they would have still been available), the Nets, and of course, the Vikings, especially with rumors of Tank Johnson going there (Anybody else find it hilarious that a team named “The Vikings” got in trouble for rowdy behavior on a boat?), but there was one that stood out to me as head and shoulders below the rest. 

With their final selection, Optimus Crime selects the Cincinnati Bengals.  I think three of them were arrested just during the course of this draft. 

 – Sean 

This completes the inaugural draft for the Sports Crime League and as it comes to a close, it is clear Scott had a strong draft class, as Vick and Jackson both have made point-scoring news this week.  Well done.  I just hope my guys start their sprees soon. 

Crime League Team Names

Without a pause, Scott has announced his team will be the Beef Catchers. 

After much deliberation, I have decided my team will be Optimus Crime.

The random number generator decided that the Beef Catchers will select first and they are officially on the clock

Foam Finger’s Fantasy Sports Crime League

All the sports sites do Fantasy Football, Baseball, and Basketball.  While these leagues can make watching your sport of choice a little more exciting, they’ve basically been the same for years and years now.  It’s time to introduce something new to fantasy sports.

That being said, let me welcome you to the inaugural season of the Foam Finger Sports Crime League.  Considering the criminal actions of sports figures seem to take place far more often than touchdowns or homeruns, our fantasy league focuses on crime. 

  

Since the league is still in the Beta testing phase, the first season will run for the remainder of 2007 in order to include the three major sports seasons.  This may be adjusted in the future, as we may lose interest way before then.

 TEAMS 

Each team will be made up of a total of 7 players and must feature:

            – 5 present athletes with at least one MLB player, one NBA, player, and one NFL

player.  The remaining two may be from any other sports or can be additional

NBA, MLB, or NFL players.

– 1 managerial level member, such as an owner, GM, coach, president,

commissioner, etc.

– 1 retired sports figure

            – 1 Sports team as a whole

 SCORING 

The scoring system is as follows:

Team owners rack up points from any of their team members accomplishing the following tasks.  Maybe tasks is a bad word to use.  How about “acts of stupidity”?

  

A crime is alleged against player – 100 points

Player accused of:

            DUI/Public Intoxication – 150 points

            Reckless driving – 150 points

            Disturbing the peace/ Disorderly conduct – 150 points

Public indecency/indecent exposure – 250 points

            Assault – 300 points, double if assault is on a police officer

            Possession – 300 points

Gun Charges – 300 points

Vehicular manslaughter – 450 points

            Sexually based charges – 500 points

            Murder/Attempted murder – 750 points

            Any misdemeanor not previously listed – 150 points

            Any felony not previously listed – 300 points

            500 point bonus for an incident involving three or more crimes

Player arrested – 100 points

Player resisting arrest – 50 points

Player involved in high-speed chase – 800 points

Player involved in slow-speed chase – 1000 points (No way this happens twice)

A Tearful public statement/apology – 200 points

A Ranting, cursing public statement – 400 points with a 100 point bonus for each

                                                               Time the word “outrage” is used. 

Being on the business end of a taser – 600 points

Player actually charged – 150 points

Court appearance – 150 points

Arraigned – no points (That’s like giving points in a Fantasy Football league for guy

 drinking a Gatorade. It’s just too common.  No challenge)

Convicted – 500 points

Jail time – 600 points

Court fines – 100 points

Probation/Community service – 200 points

Violation of probation/parole – 200 points

Violating “League Policy” – 150 points

Earning any type of league fine – 25 points

A league suspension –   100 points + 50 points added for each week of his season he

  misses

Kicked out of a public facility – 50 points

Drug test, breathalyzer, or field sobriety test administered – 50 points with a bonus 50

for a failure to pass

In order to keep the focus on the players and not the teams, points scored by the teams selected for the roster will only count as half.  That way, if I had the Bears last year and Scott had Tank Johnson, it wouldn’t result in us having identical points for his behaviors.

Scores will be tallied as scoring events take place.  Each update will be announced on the Finger.  

  THE DRAFT 

The draft lottery will be held in the form of a random number generator producing a number after Scott picks odd or even.  I let Scott pick because I’m a good guy like that.  If there is a second season, the person who lost season 1 will pick first. 

The draft will go in simple alternating picks.  The first round consists of draft the 5 present athletes.  Round 2 goes to the management and retired sports figures.  Round three, sports teams.

The draft process will begin immediately following the official announcement of team names. 

So without further ado, let the police blotters and point totals begin to pile up.