My 2007 NBA Draft Night Journal

It’s one of my favorite nights in sports, the NBA draft. I love it for three reasons. Most significantly, it’s intriguing to see who lands who and to hear the speculations of what teams will make a big improvement and who flopped. Secondly, you gotta love the highlight reels. Lastly, the night is always chocked full of unintentional humor ranging from the outlandish clothes we get to see to the ill-thought out post draft interview responses.

So here it, my draft night experience. I’m sure I saw the night a little differently than most.

6:00 – The show kicks off, cranking up highlights to the tune “The Future Has Arrived” by the All-American rejects. We then see quick shots of all the most likely top draft picks, checked out in their best duds. Surprisingly, all these guys look really sharp, like GQ sharp and…wait, there it is…the super tacky draft day outfit. Joakim Noah is sporting a seers sucker suit with a huge bowtie. And his huge poofy hair is parted down the middle. I knew someone wouldn’t let me down.

6:04 – They show us the first glimpse of emotionless Yi Jianlian, who is struggling to open his bottle of Sprite. For the entire 30 second shot, he attempts unsuccessfully to get that twist-off top removed. Good coordination. Please don’t let the Bulls take this guy.

6:05 – It takes a whole five minutes for Stephen A. Smith to prove he’s a moron. And a liar. He says that people are wrong for calling this a really deep draft, because there are really only two big time players and in the 2003, going into it, he knew “for a fact” there were at least four franchise players in LeBron James (that’s a given), Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh. For a fact? No one predicted Wade to be the level of superstar he became and I still don’t know for a fact that Chris Bosh is a franchise player. I guess I need to pay closer attention.

6:06 – Jay Bilas predicts Yi going to Chicago with the 9^th pick. I hope he’s wrong. Please be wrong.

6:07 – Seven minutes in and Yi’s Sprite is still sitting in front of him unopened. I guess he has really soft hands for a big guy. The announcers tell us that the correct way to pronounce his name is to say it just like the letter “E.” No one even attempt to pronounce Jianlian. Then they tells us that whoever drafts him will have to deal with the Chinese Sporting Authority to get permission for him to play. Here’s another reason to stay away. Have I mentioned I really don’t want the bulls to take this guy?

6:08 – Decide to multi-task and fix the showerhead that hasn’t been working well. I use the highly difficult method of removing it and dropping it in a bucket of CLR, then waiting it out. That way, I’m working while the draft is on and I can’t get in too much trouble.

6:13 – Where the hell did they get this cocky toolbox, Stephen A. Smith? He’s already insinuated he knows the game better than Mark Jackson, number 2 all-time in career assists ahead of Magic and right behind Stockton, yet he always follows his claims at knowledge with some retarded sentences thrown together that don’t work towards the same point or subject. It’s like a verbal version of a tossed salad. Now he’s telling us that the rumored Seattle/Boston trade that involves Ray Allen and Wally Szerbiak could only be made if Seattle is trying to “hoodwink” Szerbiak? Huh?

6:16 – WHY!? Why would they do this? Dick Vitale is on this show, too? Why don’t they just get Judy Tenuda, Uncle Joey from Full House, and the Nanny to host if they want to annoy me? They ask Dickie V who Oden reminds him of and he responds by hyperactively listing everyone who has ever played basketball. The combo of Vitale and Stephen A. Smith makes me wish they covered the draft like they do a presidential speech so I could turn the channel and get another group of announcers. I miss TNT’s Ernie Johnson’s nerdy attempts to sound cool. Wow, I really do. That’s bad.

6:19 – 19 Minutes and 20 seconds into the show and Yi still hasn’t managed to get that sprite open.

 

6:22 – Freaky “sublymonal” Sprite commercial weirds me out for the third time tonight.

6:23 – Now they throw in Golden State as the most recent team Garnett is rumored to be going to. I can’t keep up. Is that the 6^th team? 9^th? Just tell me when he actually gets traded. I no longer believe your lies.

6:27 – Wow, they made a whole 27 minutes before making that comparison based on race thing they always do, asking everyone if they think Yi is the next Yao Ming. Probably not. He’s a power forward. That’s one of the main reasons I want Chicago to pass on this guy. A 7 foot power forward always makes me leery, like the guy can’t cut it in the post. And his damn Sprite is STILL not opened. Seriously, who zips this guy up when he pees?

1:28 seconds until the picks start! I’m giddy.

6:31 – Another set of highlights. I am already so sick of this “The Future Has Arrived” song.

6:32 – Stern takes the podium and gets heckled by a number of fans who I can’t quite understand. Damn, I wish I could hear them. By the surprised look on Stern’s face, I bet that was some funny shit.

Stern then announces Portland now has 5 minutes to make their pick. Why do they need five minutes? Haven’t they had like 36 days to prepare for this pick. Is Pritchard over on his laptop Googling to find out about these Oden and Durant characters everyone is yapping about?

6:36 – Oden gets picked number one and immediately rubs hand sanitizer on his hands to avoid spreading his cold to the commissioner and all the people he’d be shaking hands with. Should I be as impressed with this humility as I am?

6:37 – Smith wants to cement his moron status, so he tells us that Oden should be the number one pick “because you can’t coach 7 feet,” and is if it’ll be a more insightful thing each time it’s spoken, he repeats it three more times before anyone else has a chance to speak, louder each time he says it.

6:41 – Durant goes to Seattle with the #2 pick. I only wish he’d have gone to an East Coast team so there would be a chance for the two be stars from the draft to become Finals rivals like Magic and Bird.

6:44 – Durant is referred to for the fourth time as a “scoring savant.” This doesn’t seem like a compliment to me. I expected it to be followed with info about how he is an excellent driver, has to be home in time for Wapner, and only shops at K-mart.

6:46 – We are told that Oden is the first freshman ever to be the number one draft pick as they go via satellite to Portland “war room” to talk to GM Kevin Pritchard. Really? Via Satellite? Couldn’t spare the time to be there to meet you new superstar? I’m sure that made Oden feel welcomed to the team.

6:48 – Atlanta, in their quest to fill an entire roster with forwards, takes Florida’s Horford at the #3 spot.

6:51 – Hilarious moment in which Stewart Scott asks a specific question of Horford about the conversation he must have had with the two other Gators in attendance that night, yet Horford responds with the speech he had obviously prepared and practiced which didn’t even come close to addressing the question asked.

6:52 – The Grizzlies pick Mike Conley, Jr., the second Indiana guy in the draft already. Gotta point out the hometown guys.

6:54 – Mike Conley, Sr, the world record holder for the triple jump is interviewed about how unfair it is for his son to be compared to him, then they show highlights of both of them and ask Sr. how they compare as athletes.

6:55 – Boston is up next and my gut tells me we might be witnessing the last straw in Ainge’s reign… and then a reported trade is announced. Ray Allen from Seatlle to Boston for the #5 Pick (who is to be Jeff Green), Wally Szerbiak, and Delonte West. What the hell? Somehow, I think Boston is getting the short…and kind of old, end of the stick, here. I know Pierce said he wanted another veteran on the team or he was leaving, but I don’t remember him demanding they give up their future for it to happen. I hope they are just good enough to make the playoffs so they can’t get a good pick next year. They don’t deserve it. They obviously don’t know what to do with it.

6:56 – Boston does in fact, take Green with the 5^th pick. In his interview, he appears greatly relived to not have to be the savior of Boston, as he gets all giggly when talking about how he’ll get to pass a lot, especially to Durant.

7:03 – Yi is taken at #6 by Milwaukee. For some reason, this pick is booed. I’m just happy the Bucks prevented the Bulls from picking him and now I can sit back and hope for Noah to last to the 9^th pick. Yi looks absolutely ecstatic to be headed to the Bucks.

Some old white guy gives the oddest description of any of the draftees by saying about Yi, “He’s Hip-Hop. He’s Fiddy-Cent.” What in the blue hell does that mean?

Another weird fact about Yi, he’s grown and shrunk all evening. One stat sheet they show us says 6”11” and another says 7”0”, then later, he’s 6”11” again. The ESPN crew needs to get together and agree on one stat sheet.

7:07 – Stewart Scott interview’s Yi, asking him why he feels he’s ready for the NBA and Yi says a bunch of stuff that I didn’t understand. If I had to guess, I’d say he said “Da da da duh, da da, duuuuuuuh, I play duuuuh, da da da, duuuuuuuh, good, da da duuuuuuuh.” I’m not positive, though.

Throughout the interview, he looked really thirsty, like he could use a Sprite.

7:09 – This tube steak Steven A. Smith makes me regret not being a better shopper and picking up a TV with a remote featuring the mute button as he rambles on about Del Harris not being honorable enough to do the scout for his son. I have no idea what Smith’s point was or why this was brought up. Mark Jackson sat next to Smith with the same look on his face as I had on mine, so I don’t think I missed the point. It just wasn’t there.

7:11 – Minnesota selects Corey Brewer with the #7 pick. Brewer’s smile then ate his own head.

7:15 – ESPN commercial for the upcoming Home Run Derby makes me glad I’m not a part of it, as it promises, “Balls will be blasted.”

7:18 – I’m starting to get nervous that the Bulls won’t get a chance at Noah, as the announcers have said how he’d be perfect for Milwaukee, Minnesota, or Charlotte. But the Bobcats keep my hopes alive and select Brandon Wright from UNC at the 8^th pick.

7:19 – The same lame ass guy that said the hip-hop/Fiddy Cent thing about Yi trumps his own corny comments with the ultra-gay nugget, “Michael Jordan should have worn a mask when he made this pick, because he made a steal here.”

7:21 – Wright sits down with Stewart Scott for his interview and takes this as an opportunity to trash talk Jordan, saying Jordan “don’t want none of this “ one-on-one. Is he retarded? That’s your boss. You know, the greatest player ever that apparently had a high opinion of you as evidenced by his drafting you. Good job helping him change his opinion.

7:23 – The Bulls are next and I just thought to myself Come on, I’ll only accept Noah or Hawes without me resorting to a huge baby fit, cussing, stomping around the house, then griping to my co-workers who couldn’t give a damn for the next week…oooh, 13 seconds until Paxson picks!

7:24 – Bulls pick Noah!!! That puts them in the finals next year and my baby fit is successfully avoided. Now I can tell my coworkers who couldn’t give a damn the good news instead of the bad.

7:24 and 30 seconds – My optimism fades for a moment as I start to fear some trade to take place involving Noah. Worst of all, it makes me start fearing those Kobe to Chicago rumors.

7:25 – Wow, Noah looks even goofier in his seers sucker suit once he puts the Bulls cap on. (See it here)

7:32 – Sacramento takes Spencer Hawes at #10. Hawes is listed as 7’0 and ¾” on the stat sheet. And ¾”? Didn’t most of us stop referring to our height in quarter and half inches once he hit 5 feet? I wonder if Hawes is 18 and 7/8 years old.

7:36 – John Paxson quiets my pessimism a little during his interview in which he makes references to how much Noah will add to the team next year. Sounds like they plan on keeping him. This better not be some evil ruse, Paxson.

7:38 – The Hawks use Their #11 pick to take Acie Law Episode IV: A New Hope. I was relieved that didn’t take another forward. If they had, I think Mark Jackson might have snapped and violently murdered the Atlanta GM after the angry rant he gave about them not taking a PG with the #3 pick. Now all they have to do is get rid of some of the 34 PF’s they have and build a team.

7:40 – New Atlanta Hawks Uni’s displayed. They are a lot like the 76ers uglier uni’s, but with bigger, gaudier number and a very tiny hawk on them. Their logo is now different too. He looks angrier, which is no surprise considering the attendance there.

7:42 – Michael has second thoughts about signing his mortgage paperwork as Jim leads his coworkers in the Dunder Mifflin Office Olympics event of “Flaunkerton” which Pam explains translates to “Paper box snowshoe race.” My attention span issues obviously kicked in. Back to the draft.

7:45 – I am now positive Stephen A. Smith suffers from some serious mental deficiencies, possibly fetal alcohol syndrome, shaken baby syndrome, downs syndrome, China Syndrome, or toxic shock syndrome. He just stated he didn’t believe that Philly actually had a 35-47 record last season, but instead, he thinks their opponents just saw that Iverson wasn’t there, so they went out to Burger King. What?

The rest of the announcing team appears to have learned a valuable lessons from earlier rants and avoids eye contact while refusing to comment or reply to his babbling.

7:46 – 76ers take Thaddeus Young at #12. Sincerely, this isn’t the deepest draft you can remember? Al Thornton, Julian Wright, and Nick Young are still available after 12 picks? The European prospects haven’t even been touched yet? Can you think of another question to ask here?

7:48 – Kevin wins a Dunder Mifflin Gold Medal in the “who can fit the most jelly beans in their mouth” competition. My remote might not have a mute button, but I made sure it had that flashback option.

7:53 – At #13, New Orleans takes Julian Wright, whose secret skill is revealed to be bowling… and that’s what Stewart Scott interviews him about. His bowling ball’s name is the Bully. Fascinating.

7:59 – The Clippers use the 14^th pick to take Al Thornton. This is the last of the lottery picks and my attention span is wavering.

8:01 – The entertainment value of the draft increases. Stewart Scott asks Thornton, “You said you were all legs and no game coming into college. How did you get a game?”

Thornton’s response: “Exactly.”

8:06 – Detroit selects Rodney Stuckey with the 15^th pick. During his Stewart Scott interview, he, without the subject coming up, states the only reason he ever went to Eastern Washington was because he was a crappy student and never tried to improve because he was going straight to the pros until Stern made his 1 year of college rule. Good thinking. Also, no one asked. Did you want to turn a happy moment into an embarrassing one? If so, well done.

8:10 – Nick Young, who was beginning to sweat being the only guy left in the green room, which was neither green nor a room but simply an area roped off on the floor of MSG, who hadn’t been picked yet, gets picked at #16 by Washington. 

Also, I may be a little fashion-retarded, but I’m pretty sure this dude’s pants don’t match his jacket.

8:14 – Huge trade announced. Portland sends Zack Randolph, Fred Jones, and Dan Dickau to New York for Channing Frye and Steve Francis. I’m not sure how well this worked out for Portland. At least they dumped Randolph and I’m sure they won’t miss those other two guys, who are apparently NBA players. But now they pick up Francis with his hefty contract. At least Francis’s crappy attitude is not as crappy as Randolph’s and usually doesn’t involved socking teammates or going to jail.

8:15 – Mark Jackson accidentally reveals his crush on Zack Randolph by referring to him as a “stud” twice within a minute. Hey, Mark. This is televised.

8:16 – Steven A. Smith almost starts masturbating over the Randolph trade while screaming out Isiah Thomas‘s name. I take it he’s a Knicks fan.

8:17 – Sean Williams from Boston College goes to the Nets with the 17^th pick. I hope they have good weed in New Jersey. Hey, he can go hang out at the Quik Stop smoking weed, drinking beers. Snootchie Boochies.

8:17 and 30 seconds – They’ve already mentioned marijuana in the same sentence with Williams four times.

8:18 – I realize that had the Nuggets not traded their pick, they’d have picked this guy up for sure. Just don’t let J.R. Smith drive him home.

8:20 – Third creepy Barkley/Wade commercial of the night where Wade tries to make his man-crush realized by getting into Barkley’s Fav 5. HE even calls Barkely “sexy” in this one. I wish I was joking.

8:22 – Golden State selects Marko Belinelli. It can’t really be pronounced “Belly Nelly,” can it?

Wow, we made it all the way to pick number 18 before we went Euro.

8:24 I cannot believe this is the first time the announce crew has designated a significant amount of time to discuss the Kobe Bryant trade demands. They hadn’t even shown us a highlight before now. With the Lakers up next, they couldn’t hold it in any longer. I guess my odds were off

8:26 – Steven A. Smith strains his back flip-flopping on whether or not the Lakers should trade Kobe, switching his opinion three times in the course of a minute.

8:30 – The Lakers take Jaravis Crittendon with the 19^th pick. No one cares.

8:31 – Michael screws up the “What’s updog?” joke four times, even when Dwight totally falls for it.

8:34 – Steven A. Smith’s most recent nonsensical rambling makes me doubt I’m pulling off sitting through the whole four and half hour show.

8:35 – The Miami heat take Jason Smith, who is talked about less than Alonzo Mourning and whether or not he’ll be back next year. That’ll feel good for Smtih when goes home and watches his draft moment on TiVo.

8:37 through 8:40 – Laker’s GM Mitch Kupchak creeps me completely out for three minutes. It’s not anything he said, he’s just a creepy dude. There are bodies buried in his cellar for sure.

8:41 – We are subjected to two minutes of Steven A. Smith explaining that the Bus family own the Lakers. Great reporting.

8:42 – Weirdest decision of the draft… the 76ers take Daequan Cook at the 21^st pick and trade him to Miami for their 20^th pick, Jason Smith. Couldn’t Miami just have picked him? There weren’t any other considerations included in the trade, so how did this benefit anyone?

8:45 – I remove the showerhead from the bucket of CLR and reinstall.  Works just like the commercial shows.  Multitasking complete and I’m pretty worn out.

8:48 – Jared Dudley goes 22^nd to Charlotte. Wasn’t he a bone thug in harmony?

8:50 – Spike Lee reminds ESPN why he never be a courtside interview by saying he heard that the Knicks were taking “that brother from DePaul,” then looking really confused and uncertain when the chick interviewing him asked if he meant Wilson Chandler. He didn’t commit to answering her.

8:52 – Steven A. Smith gets even dumber by quoting Spike Lee that Isiah Thomas knows how to draft because he drafted Tracy McGrady. That was worth hearing twice in a span of three minutes. I’m not sure, but I think I dislike Smith a little. I hope it doesn’t show.

8:53 – That brother from DePaul is in fact the number #23 pick, going to the Knicks.

8:54 – We’re told Chandler will probably be a better pro player than he was a college player because he can out-bench Durant. Sound logic. I might have to call it a night at the 25^th pick.

8:56 – I find myself wondering if I’ve been wrong all these years and Spike Lee really does work for the Knicks as Stewart Scott and Chandler discuss what it will be like for Chandler, working with Spike. Maybe Chandler is starring in He Got Game 2: Electric Boogalo.

8:57 – Portland purchases the 24^th pick from Phoenix for cash. They can do that?

8:58 – Rudy Fernandez is selected by Phoenix/Portland and they tells us he’ll probably have to either play in Spain next year or pay his team…One…MILLION…dollars!

8:59 – Highlight reel of Fernandez is the most impressive clip of highlights since Noah’s clear back at the 9^th pick. Seriously. I’m not mocking him. Of course, it was against Spanish teams.

9:06 – Utah takes…someone. Sorry, I missed it. I’ve had a lot of soft drinks and, well, I missed it. I’ll look it up later.

9:10 – Flipping channels, I am told by VH1 what Mark from the Beauty and the Geek is doing now since his fame has faded. Who the hell is in charge of programming at VH1?

9:11 – I’m still here to see Houston select Aaron Brooks at the 26^th spot. I made it further than I thought with this announce team. Mark Jackson has been pretty solid, outside of his crush on Randolph, and Stewart Scott has been good outside of his bowling interview, but the rest of them are horrible.

9:13 – More trade info on the Boston/Seattle deal. Boston also gets the #35 pick. Oooooh.

9:16 – Initial letdown of having to wait until October to see the impact these guys will make begins to set in.

9:17 – I say out loud to no one, “Oh, man, no way am I going to make it to Chicago’s next pick!” when I see there are 22 more picks to go.

9:19 – Detroit picks Aaron Afflalo with the #27 pick. Who?

9:23 – Once again flipping channels. I decide in the course of a commercial break from the draft that USA Network’s new show Slow Burn is awful. Bad concept, bad acting, bad writing.

9:25 – The Spurs continue to build their “It’s a Small World” team by selecting Brazilian Tiago Splitter with the 28^th pick. Next year, the first Eskimo Power Forward.

9:30 – Okay, two picks to go in the first round. I cannot imagine making it another entire draft round with these announcers.

9:31 – Alando Tucker goes to the Suns. One more until the round is over. I can make it, I can make it, I can… OH, NO! More Dick Vitale.

9:33 – Two full minutes of Dick Vitale is much worse than two full minutes of sitting on my own nuts.

9:35 – IT becomes certain that I will learn the rest of the picks from the internet once Vitale’s prattle ends and they go straight to a babbling Steven A. Smith.

9:37 – 76ers finish the first round with the 30^th pick, Petteri Koponen, who believe it or not, is the most frequently searched for guy on the Foam Finger.

9:38 – Okay, I saw that Seattle was the 31^st pick, so I have to see their pick. They’ve ruled this draft . I just hope it’s not McRoberts. I could potentially finish my draft night with being subjected to zero Duke players or Blue Devil highlights.

9:39 – Steven A. Smith, out of the blue, raps his lips around Isiah Thomas’s bung one more time over his managerial genius. I question your claim.

9:44 – Seattle’s time has been up for several minutes, but these tools are still sitting there yapping away.

9:45 Super goon Assistant NBA Commissioner Russ Granik replaces Stern for the second round and announces Carl Landry as Seattle’s pick. I’m outta here.

9:46 – As I am packing it up for the night, they announce a potentially horrible trade for the Bobcats as Jordan reportedly sends Brandon Wright to the Warriors for Jason Richardson. Must… not…speak .. ill… of… Jordan.

7:35 a.m. the next day – I learn the rest of the drafts from the previous night and I am even further pleased to learn the Bulls got Grey from Pitt. Two 7 footers. Not a bad night.

Well, that’s it for the draft. Now to start looking at NBA free agency and football training camps. It’s either that or watch baseball.

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