Preparing for the Kobe Hype

With all the trade rumors flying around about Kobe coming to the Bulls… sorry, as a Bulls fan, I had to take a moment to suppress my gag reflex… anyway, with all these trade rumors, it’s time for the Bulls, as well as some of the other teams in the running to land Bryant, to consider their potential marketing strategies should Kobe come to town. 

The NBA is big on team slogans right now, like the League’s  marketing campaign of “Where Amazing Happens” or the Rocket’s tag line “It’s Time” or the Knicks tagline “At Least We’re Not as Mismanaged as  Minnesota”, so here are a few headlines these teams might want to consider…

The Bulls:

“No More Team Rebuilding, We’ve got a Team Demolition Specialist Now”

“The Bulls:  Now with Way More Unnecessary Drama”

“The Bulls: Now with Way More Rape”

“Kobe; Here to Fill the Gap Left by the Absence of Ditka’s Ego”

“Great, Two Chicago Sports Team with the Curse of the G.O.A.T.”


The Nuggets: (Editor’s note… some of these would work without the trade happening)

“No One in Colorado Ever Stops Bryant from Taking It to the Hole.” 

“Shattering Records, Breaking Laws.”

“Smoke A Little Weed, Do a Little Rape, Get Down Tonight”

“We’ll Never Let Kobe Ride Home with J.R.”

“The Nuggets – 14 Felonies and 0 Championships… Both Those Numbers Are About to Go Waaaaaaaaaaaay Up.”

 The Wizards:

“Because In D.C., Everyone’s Willing to Forget Where Your Wang Has Been” 

“And You Thought Arenas Had An Inflated Ego?” 

“Washington, Where the Greats Come to Play When They Are Done Winning”


David Stern, Prison Warden, to Allow Limited Shankings

In the shadow of recent accusations of gang member and inmate at the National Behavioral Adjustment Correctional Facility, Pookie Jenkins, being involved in a stabbing scandal that goes back several years, it has come to light that he was the only inmate involved. 


Rumors swirled that gang members across the facility were violating the no stabbing policy that exists at the NBACF.  So, a quick-acting Warden David Stern leapt into action a mere three months later to investigate, finding that nearly 75% of his inmates were in fact violating this don’t stab policy. 


Responding to his findings, Stern decided that the policy was obviously unfair, as so many offenders were unable to abide by the policy, so adjustments have been made that are far more realistic in terms of expectations.  Offenders are still not allowed to just stab away at will, but they can do a little shanking, as long as the shanking doesn’t involve anyone under their own authority.  This means that a lower ranking gang member cannot be stabbed by anyone from his own gang, but gang members can engage in stabbing dealing with those inmates they have no connection to.


“We feel confident that this adjustment in the policy will correct the problem,” Warden Stern explained.  “We don’t want anyone’s recreational stabbings being confused for the real problem here, which is abuse of authority.”


In a similar decision, Stern has adjusted the policy on Correctional Officers abusing inmates.  Officers are now allowed to beat offenders about the head and face for reaction, as long as it’s not one of the inmates off said officer’s assigned cellblock.