David Stern, Prison Warden, to Allow Limited Shankings

In the shadow of recent accusations of gang member and inmate at the National Behavioral Adjustment Correctional Facility, Pookie Jenkins, being involved in a stabbing scandal that goes back several years, it has come to light that he was the only inmate involved. 


Rumors swirled that gang members across the facility were violating the no stabbing policy that exists at the NBACF.  So, a quick-acting Warden David Stern leapt into action a mere three months later to investigate, finding that nearly 75% of his inmates were in fact violating this don’t stab policy. 


Responding to his findings, Stern decided that the policy was obviously unfair, as so many offenders were unable to abide by the policy, so adjustments have been made that are far more realistic in terms of expectations.  Offenders are still not allowed to just stab away at will, but they can do a little shanking, as long as the shanking doesn’t involve anyone under their own authority.  This means that a lower ranking gang member cannot be stabbed by anyone from his own gang, but gang members can engage in stabbing dealing with those inmates they have no connection to.


“We feel confident that this adjustment in the policy will correct the problem,” Warden Stern explained.  “We don’t want anyone’s recreational stabbings being confused for the real problem here, which is abuse of authority.”


In a similar decision, Stern has adjusted the policy on Correctional Officers abusing inmates.  Officers are now allowed to beat offenders about the head and face for reaction, as long as it’s not one of the inmates off said officer’s assigned cellblock.