This Week’s Sports News that Changes Nothing

There’s always plenty of sports news, just not all of it matters.  Just take a look at all of these feature stories found this week in the sports world, paying specific attention to the complete lack of shock you experience and the complete lack of relevance to actual sports.

The Buffalo Bills announce they are sticking with Losman as starting QB against the Patriots.   Las Vegas bookies immediately make zero adjustments to the point spread.

 – Stephon Marbury leaves his team and is apparently unhappy.  Smart money says he’s either unhappy about the amount of touches new teammate Zack Randolph is getting or he’s unhappy that Isiah is getting all the negative press.  Oh, plus, it’s November.  I think he has “be disgruntled” penciled in on his calender.

– The Denver Broncos believe Travis Henry’s denial of drug use… after he passes a drug screen and a lie detector test.  Now that’s trust.   

– Adam Vinatieri missed a potential game winning field goal.  The Colts could have already been up by… wait a second… six offensive chances wasted multiplied by seven points, lost by two…. Yeah, 40 points.   

The Bears haven’t decided if Rex Grossman or Brian Griese gets the start this week.  So, we don’t know which guy will be throwing interceptions and running really poorly thought-out offensive game plans.

– Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen Twins.  Now were this a couple of years ago, it would have been news, the R. Kelly kind if news.  But now that she’s of age, it’s not news.  It”s just very, very creepy. 

– Don Shula Says The Patriots Going Undefeated this Season Would Be a Marred Accomplishment.Very classy move.  I think his original quote was “No Fair! Mom, tell the Patriots to quit trying to be like us!”

– Cavs Forward Drew Gooden to Reveal New Tattoo.  With any luck, it will be as goofy as his hair during last year’s playoffs.  And announcing that someone in the NBA has a tattoo?  Isn’t that about as shocking and revealing as a headline about him planning to wear basketball shoes?

– Jimmie Johnson Not Sorry that Jeff Gordon Fell Short of Catching Him in Point Lead.  Really, you mean he wanted to finish first?  Weird.


David Stern, Prison Warden, to Allow Limited Shankings

In the shadow of recent accusations of gang member and inmate at the National Behavioral Adjustment Correctional Facility, Pookie Jenkins, being involved in a stabbing scandal that goes back several years, it has come to light that he was the only inmate involved. 


Rumors swirled that gang members across the facility were violating the no stabbing policy that exists at the NBACF.  So, a quick-acting Warden David Stern leapt into action a mere three months later to investigate, finding that nearly 75% of his inmates were in fact violating this don’t stab policy. 


Responding to his findings, Stern decided that the policy was obviously unfair, as so many offenders were unable to abide by the policy, so adjustments have been made that are far more realistic in terms of expectations.  Offenders are still not allowed to just stab away at will, but they can do a little shanking, as long as the shanking doesn’t involve anyone under their own authority.  This means that a lower ranking gang member cannot be stabbed by anyone from his own gang, but gang members can engage in stabbing dealing with those inmates they have no connection to.


“We feel confident that this adjustment in the policy will correct the problem,” Warden Stern explained.  “We don’t want anyone’s recreational stabbings being confused for the real problem here, which is abuse of authority.”


In a similar decision, Stern has adjusted the policy on Correctional Officers abusing inmates.  Officers are now allowed to beat offenders about the head and face for reaction, as long as it’s not one of the inmates off said officer’s assigned cellblock.