This Week’s Sports News that Changes Nothing

There’s always plenty of sports news, just not all of it matters.  Just take a look at all of these feature stories found this week in the sports world, paying specific attention to the complete lack of shock you experience and the complete lack of relevance to actual sports.

The Buffalo Bills announce they are sticking with Losman as starting QB against the Patriots.   Las Vegas bookies immediately make zero adjustments to the point spread.

 – Stephon Marbury leaves his team and is apparently unhappy.  Smart money says he’s either unhappy about the amount of touches new teammate Zack Randolph is getting or he’s unhappy that Isiah is getting all the negative press.  Oh, plus, it’s November.  I think he has “be disgruntled” penciled in on his calender.

– The Denver Broncos believe Travis Henry’s denial of drug use… after he passes a drug screen and a lie detector test.  Now that’s trust.   

– Adam Vinatieri missed a potential game winning field goal.  The Colts could have already been up by… wait a second… six offensive chances wasted multiplied by seven points, lost by two…. Yeah, 40 points.   

The Bears haven’t decided if Rex Grossman or Brian Griese gets the start this week.  So, we don’t know which guy will be throwing interceptions and running really poorly thought-out offensive game plans.

– Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen Twins.  Now were this a couple of years ago, it would have been news, the R. Kelly kind if news.  But now that she’s of age, it’s not news.  It”s just very, very creepy. 

– Don Shula Says The Patriots Going Undefeated this Season Would Be a Marred Accomplishment.Very classy move.  I think his original quote was “No Fair! Mom, tell the Patriots to quit trying to be like us!”

– Cavs Forward Drew Gooden to Reveal New Tattoo.  With any luck, it will be as goofy as his hair during last year’s playoffs.  And announcing that someone in the NBA has a tattoo?  Isn’t that about as shocking and revealing as a headline about him planning to wear basketball shoes?

– Jimmie Johnson Not Sorry that Jeff Gordon Fell Short of Catching Him in Point Lead.  Really, you mean he wanted to finish first?  Weird.

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Preparing for the Kobe Hype

With all the trade rumors flying around about Kobe coming to the Bulls… sorry, as a Bulls fan, I had to take a moment to suppress my gag reflex… anyway, with all these trade rumors, it’s time for the Bulls, as well as some of the other teams in the running to land Bryant, to consider their potential marketing strategies should Kobe come to town. 

The NBA is big on team slogans right now, like the League’s  marketing campaign of “Where Amazing Happens” or the Rocket’s tag line “It’s Time” or the Knicks tagline “At Least We’re Not as Mismanaged as  Minnesota”, so here are a few headlines these teams might want to consider…

The Bulls:

“No More Team Rebuilding, We’ve got a Team Demolition Specialist Now”

“The Bulls:  Now with Way More Unnecessary Drama”

“The Bulls: Now with Way More Rape”

“Kobe; Here to Fill the Gap Left by the Absence of Ditka’s Ego”

“Great, Two Chicago Sports Team with the Curse of the G.O.A.T.”

 

The Nuggets: (Editor’s note… some of these would work without the trade happening)

“No One in Colorado Ever Stops Bryant from Taking It to the Hole.” 

“Shattering Records, Breaking Laws.”

“Smoke A Little Weed, Do a Little Rape, Get Down Tonight”

“We’ll Never Let Kobe Ride Home with J.R.”

“The Nuggets – 14 Felonies and 0 Championships… Both Those Numbers Are About to Go Waaaaaaaaaaaay Up.”

 The Wizards:

“Because In D.C., Everyone’s Willing to Forget Where Your Wang Has Been” 

“And You Thought Arenas Had An Inflated Ego?” 

“Washington, Where the Greats Come to Play When They Are Done Winning”

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