FOAM FINGER’S RUMOR HUB – The Stuff ESPN Is Too Scared (and Too Honest) to Tell You

Sure, you can find out who is chasing home run records or the playoff scoring leader and stat garbage like that, but that’s not what you really want to know, now is it?  You want to know secrets and scandals….and especially secret scandals.  Only here at The Big Foam Finger can you get this inside dirt.   We have several years of exposing the disgusting underbelly of the sports world, so keep coming back.  We’ve got a lot of catching up to do…

– Pat Summerall died in 1989.  The last several years of his career were performed by a rewired robot from Disneyworld’s Hall of Presidents.

– After ABC viewed old tapes of Lakers NBA Championship celebrations, Mark Madsen is pencilled in for the next season of Dancing with the Stars.

– Satan has sold his soul to the Yankees.

– Pete Rose never gambled.  All of his wagers were based on predictions of Notsradamus, therefore being sure things.  A sure thing represents no gamble or risk.  Put him in the Hall of Fame.

– A.C. Green’s famous streak of virginity/celibacy doesn’t really count as an accomplishment.  He lost his genitals at age 9 in a traumatic escalator accident. 

– Hulk Hogan’s famous “say your prayers and eat your vitamins” instructions as to how to grow up to be like him was re-writen from it’s original more honest wording of “Shave your legs and pump yourself full of half the pharmacy, brother.”

– Apparently, not only is there women’s basketball now, there is even a professional league in existance somewhere. 

– Word is, the Lakers have a head coach, a GM, a president, AND an owner.  Even more shocking, none of these are Kobe Bryant.

– Isiah Thomas has superhuman powers which allow him to erase the memories of others.  Using these powers, he landed his Knicks job, preventing any of the management of the Knicks to recall his Toronto Raptors stint.  Isiah’s powers leave his victims with happy memories of Thomas cutting down the nets with Bobby Knight and scoring 25 points in one quarter.

 p1_thomas.jpg

“Look into my eyes… I never drove a championship -caliber coach out of town…You will also forget my sexual harassment accusations.”

– Pacman Jones wasn’t involved in any legal trouble whatsoever last week.  (Editor’s note – This rumor has since been disproved)

– Ultimate Fighting Championship is not, in fact, ultimate.  There is room for improvement.  

 

Shocking

3 Comments

  1. Hello

    Great book. I just want to say what a fantastic thing you are doing! Good luck!

    Bye

  2. I (censored) my (censored) off reading your columns!

  3. Hi

    A fantastic site, and brilliant effort. A great piece of work. Best regards!

    G’night


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